All posts by Mike Procopio

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Ten Power Rankings

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Brady passes for less than three hundred yards and throws an interception, a couple of guys go down via injury, and you don’t win by a million points basically means a loss to New England fans. I’m serious as a heart attack when I say that as well. We’ve become so accustomed to decapitating teams on a weekly basis, that games that we win “somewhat close” seem unfulfilling. Sure we’re 8-0 and well on our way to Santa Clara when Satan himself most likely hands Brady his fifth Lombardi trophy, but work still needs to be done. I want embarrassing 52-7 type games. I need opposing coaches shaking their heads in disbelief watching Bill act like the diabolical maniac he is, throwing while up by two hundred instead of going into victory formation. The one team whom has been a wet blanket for Brady (and let’s face it, he gets to slay a super model every night, so there aren’t many wet blankets in TB12’s life) is the next opponent on the Vengeance Tour on Sunday in New Jersey. Do the Giants scare me? Not really. Does seeing a piece of Tom Coughlin’s face falling off on live TV scare me? It shakes me to the c ore.

1) New England Patriots – The champs are rolling into New Jersey. They finally have a healthy Gronk, and that means big trouble for the Giants and their dead last 32nd in the league scoring defense. Early thoughts and prayers for Tom Coughlin’s face.

2) Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals keep on rolling and are the second best team in football right now.

3) Carolina Panthers – So much for my prediction of the Panthers getting their doors blown off by Green Bay. It is amazing what Carolina is doing without one real threat on offense besides their quarterback.

4) Denver Broncos – Maybe we should have pumped the brakes on that Denver defense being compared to the 2000 Ravens. You also have to love CBS fawning of Manning needing to get that record in Indianapolis. Now he has to do it against the low life Chiefs.

5) Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers played like Ginger Rodgers in the first half, and you can’t play one half of decent football and expect to win on the road.

6) Arizona Cardinals – Coming off a bye week.

7) Minnesota Vikings – When is Teddy Bridgewater’s funeral? I saw him die on live TV yesterday.

8) Seattle Seahawks – Coming off a bye week.

9) Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are pretenders and that is the bottom line.

10) New Jersey Giants – Eli threw two bonehead interceptions for the millionth time. They face their toughest test of the season on Sunday when TB12 comes to town.

11) New Jersey Jets – The battle of second place is on in the AFC East. The Jets could still challenge for a wild card in the wide open AFC.
12) Philadelphia Eagles – Philly needed that win in Dallas, but problems still sit with the Eagles on both sides of the ball.

13) Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben goes down for the second time this season. He is scheduled to come back against Seattle on the road. It doesn’t get any tougher than that, especially coming back from injury.

14) Indianapolis Colts– The one time you’d ever see a New England fan root for the Colts was Sunday. It worked out well for all parties involved.

15) Oakland Raiders – Derek Carr and Amari Cooper is the best young tandem going in the NFL right now. I challenge you to find me another one.

16) Buffalo Bills – Rex says playing the Jets is “just another game”. Sure Rex, sure.

17) Miami Dolphins – Miami most likely mails in the season by Thanksgiving.

18) St. Louis Rams – Jeff Fisher and Greg Williams are taking a lot of heat from the Vikings, rightfully so.

19) New Orleans Saints – Rob Ryan may not survive the season in New Orleans as the DC.

20) Dallas Cowboys – I’d like Jerry to explain to me how a 2-6 team in the division is still a threat to make the playoffs?

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Coming off a bye week.

22) Chicago Bears – You have to hand it to the Bears, they aren’t throwing in the towel.

23) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs knocked me out of a suicide pool, and made half the Atlanta fan base go out and buy razor blades and rope after that loss on Sunday.

24) Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football is despised by his head coach. I am convinced of it.

25) San Diego Chargers– San Diego lost to a helpless Bears team, whom had a fire sale a few weeks back.

26) Houston Texans – Coming off a bye week.

27) Baltimore Ravens – Coming off a bye week.

28) San Francisco 49ers – A win against a decent Falcons team is a step in the right direction for San Francisco.

29) Tennessee Titans – Marcus was the benefactor of bad defense in New Orleans and great play from Delanie Walker.

30) Washington Redskins – You like that Cousins? That is just the sight of the Bill ripping out your soul.

31) Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville made the most Jacksonville type plays when it counted yesterday.

32) Detroit Lions – Coming off a bye week.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Nine Power Rankings

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Another week, another divisional rival, another ass kicking by the hands of Belichick and the Patriots. Sitting seven rows up from the field on Thursday Night, I got to witness the Pats trouncing the Dolphins in primetime on short rest. Brady played the typical Brady game, throwing the ball with surgeon like precision, while the defense limited Miami to just seven points. The Patriots stayed relatively healthy as a result of the game, and will now prepare for the team from Washington to head to Gillette this Sunday. Unfortunately, we are now halfway through the NFL regular season. It’s a bit depressing isn’t it?

1) New England Patriots – Tom Brady said every good Halloween costume starts with a mustache. I wonder what Giselle thinks of it?

2) Denver Broncos – Manning still couldn’t find the end zone on Sunday Night, but neither could Aaron Rodgers. The Broncos and Patriots will both be undefeated when they play in four weeks.

3) Cincinnati Bengals – A ginger quarterback, a coach with no stones, and a starting corner back known for making it rain beat the Steelers on the road. This Bengals team has my respect, even though I despise them.

4) Carolina Panthers – Carolina will get their doors blown off at home on Sunday against Green Bay. They let a piss poor Colts team hang around like the kid who doesn’t fit in within a group of friends.

5) Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers spent the bye week gazing into Randall Cobb’s misty blue eyes reading haikus, and not preparing for the Broncos. Don’t believe me, how does under 100 yards passing happen?

6) Arizona Cardinals – I don’t like coaches who wear kangols in press conferences and I am not buying what the Cardinals are selling. Let’s see the Cardinals beat someone of significance.

7) Seattle Seahawks – Has Pete and Russell recovered from what Malcolm Butler did to them in February? The offense is putrid and the defense played average against Matty Cassel.

8) Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota is winning football games without Adrian Peterson playing like Adrian Peterson. Maybe someone should start beating him with a switch as if he was American Pharaoh.

9) Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan has that deer in headlights look much like Sam Bradford. However, Ryan has a jersey that fits him, but he also lost to a terrible Tampa team.

10) New Jersey Giants – Tom Coughlin will lose part of his face mid-game before the season is out. #PrayForTomsFace

11) New Jersey Jets – Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t use that left thumb for the next few weeks. Yes, his wife may not be too happy with the injury.

12) Oakland Raiders – I’m happy for Raiders fans. Their team is run by a guy who wears a fanny pack and drives around in a mini-van fit for doomsday maniacs. They also beat the piss out of the Jets.

13) Philadelphia Eagles – Someone find Sam Bradford a jersey that fits him and Demarco Murray may end up like Lance from Varsity Blues before year end, if they keep running him out of the pistol.

14) Miami Dolphins – Miami has a true life bro for a coach. Sadly, that isn’t going to win them many football games.

15) Pittsburgh Steelers – Speaking of old football movies, every time I hear Mike Tomlin speak, I want to hear him say. “Darnell Jefferson, tailback.”

16) St. Louis Rams – Todd Gurley is so filthy it hurts. The Rams still have Napoleon Dynamite as their quarterback, so that’s that.

17) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo had issues with their headsets because the batteries went dead. That is so Bills Mafia it hurts. A bye week for Buffalo may or may not help the morale in Orchard Park.

18) New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees threw for a million yards and half a million touchdowns on Sunday.

19) Indianapolis Colts– I’ve been blocked by Irsay and Kravitz since the start of the NFL season. The theory really is true that every team the Patriots have left in their wake, has become fit for a straight-jacket. Andrew Luck definitely hurt his vagina at some point this season,

20) Dallas Cowboys – Greg Hardy will probably power bomb Jason Garrett on the sideline at some point during the season.

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Eric Berry should clear some space for Comeback Player of the Year award on his mantle. This dude is an inspiration to all. I can’t even hate on the Chiefs.

22) San Diego Chargers– Can’t wait to see some of Hollywood’s finest in the owner’s suites in LA next year. Odds someone OD’s at the opener is at a solid 5/1.

23) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs knocked me out of a suicide pool, and made half the Atlanta fan base go out and buy razor blades and rope after that loss on Sunday.

24) Cleveland Browns – Cleveland puked on themselves McNabb style two weeks ago against Denver. They also are missing their entire starting secondary.

25) Houston Texans – The Texans are contending, somehow, in the AFC South.

26) Baltimore Ravens – Justin Tucker is the MVP of the 2015 Ravens. No Ravens fans that is not something to be proud of.

27) Chicago Bears – The Bears had a week off to plan for AP and a surging Vikings team. How did Jay Cutler prepare for this? Taking the strap on from Kristen Cav and while keeping the Jim Caldwell face on the whole time.

28) Washington Redskins – I need more Kirk Cousins quotes and vines like I need air.

29) Jacksonville Jaguars – Can we please get some sort of road trip down to Jacksonville just to hang in one of those pools? If Khan was smart, he would have brought portable ones to London and had Elizabeth Hurley, Kate Beckinsale, and Emma Watson dancing in them wearing crop top jerseys that said “Shaguars”.

30) Detroit Lions – The Lions went back to being the Lions again. Fat Face really didn’t do himself any favors for the millionth time in a row. I’m sure it was a long flight home from across the pond.

31) San Francisco 49ers – A shiny new stadium, piss poor grass, a coach who with a major case of EBS, and a quarterback who can’t throw is what Niners fans wake up to every damn day. God, it is good to be from New England.

32) Tennessee Titans – Someone has to be the worst team in the league, right?

Mike Procopio
@mikeprocopio on Twitter

AFC, New England Patriots, NFL

NFL Week Eight Power Rankings

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There is no secret sauce when it comes to winning football games in the NFL. A solid quarterback, a coach who halfway knows what he is doing, and players that don’t puke on themselves when the situation is at its biggest. I’m completely astounded by the dysfunction I witness on a weekly basis around the league. Whether it is keeping your emotions in check, protecting the football, or just basic clock management, you’ll see teams that resemble the Little Giants more than a professional football team. Thankfully, I’m from New England and we aren’t susceptible to such idiocrasy. Somehow, we make teams outthink themselves and completely unravel during the biggest moments. Todd Bowles decided to NOT call timeout when the clock was running with New England deep in their territory, blitzed everyone in the Tri-State area but Hillary Clinton, and leave Gronk uncovered for the game winning touchdown. It was a ho hum, keep it moving, one step closer to hat & t-shirt day for the Patriots. Next up, we have the Southeast Sashimi on short rest.

1) New England Patriots – Tom Brady told everyone he barely washes his jeans. So, that new bottle of laundry detergent I got is getting dumped down the drain immediately.

2) Green Bay Packers – Coming off a Bye week.

3) Cincinnati Bengals – Coming off a Bye week.

4) Carolina Panthers – The Panthers are for real it seems, and Sage Rosenfels doesn’t like Cam Newton. I feel your pain Sage.

5) Denver Broncos – Coming off a Bye week.

6) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona SHOULD have blown the doors off of a struggling Baltimore team, but didn’t.

7) New Jersey Jets – Brandon Marshall had a chance to make Sunday’s game a lot more interesting, and I hope Phil Simms and Boomer emasculate him on Inside the NFL this week.

8) Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta’s defense won them a game in Music City. They beat the Selfie King, so measure that how you will.

9) New Jersey Giants – If the Giants can get any sort of running game going, they are going to be tough to beat come January. Their defense is starting to really come together.

10) Seattle Seahawks – Has Petey and Russell recovered to what Malcom Butler did to them in February? I am not too sure they have.

11) Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota is winning football games without Adrian Peterson playing like Adrian Peterson. They should be a playoff team when the time comes.

12) Miami Dolphins – OK Sashimi, we’ll see if you are for real come Thursday in Foxboro.

13) Philadelphia Eagles – How many times can you run a delayed hand off and throw the ball into the flat? My Lord, are the Eagles painful to watch. I can only imagine how it looks to a Philly fan.

14) Pittsburgh Steelers – It is clear as day the Steelers need Big Ben back to make any kind of noise in the AFC. After the undefeated teams in the conference and the Jets, it is a complete dumpster fire.

15) Oakland Raiders – Don’t look now, the Raiders won a road game! Amari Cooper all but has the AFC ROY on his mantle already.

16) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo lost to Gus Bradley’s Jaguars in London. This was the team that Rex said nobody is going to want to play and he was building a bully. I assume he meant a litter of French bulldogs?

17) San Diego Chargers– Outside of Indianapolis, they may be the most disappointing team in the AFC. Danny Woodhead and Philip Rivers fantasy points won some folks a good chunk of change over the weekend I assume.

18) St. Louis Rams – Todd Gurley may already be the best running back in his conference. I’m a million, billion percent serious.

19) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano was happy how his team played in the 2nd half? My Lord are they delusional. For the record, I think me calling Irsay a drug addict was why he blocked me on social media.

20) Dallas Cowboys – Greg Hardy belongs in a jail cell, not on an NFL field.

21) New Orleans Saints – The Saints won a game not played under the lights of primetime. Someone sound the alarm. Who Dat Nation!

22) Kansas City Chiefs – Eric Berry should clear some space for Comeback Player of the Year award on his mantle. This dude is an inspiration to all.

23) Cleveland Browns – That Cleveland offense we saw the week before was nowhere to be found. The Browns run defense looks like some sort of Swiss cheese you’d see on a cheap appetizer platter.

24) Chicago Bears – Coming off a Bye week.

25) Washington Redskins – Kirk Cousins made some Fan Duel players very happy campers with the onslaught of offense he threw on the Bucs.

26) Jacksonville Jaguars – I really wish the Jags brought the white trash pools with them over to London. Either way, they left Harry Potter’s homeland with a victory.

27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs defense let them down and Lovie Smith is searching for answers.

28) Detroit Lions – The Lions went back to being the Lions again. Fat Face really didn’t do himself any favors for the millionth time in a row.

29) San Francisco 49ers – The Niners are just about at rock bottom, and need to rebuild from the ground up. It starts with the quarterback.

30) Houston Texans – Someone needs to get Ryan Mallett a functioning alarm clock.

31) Baltimore Ravens – Harbaugh using “deception” and failing at it, makes everything a little sweeter today.

32) Tennessee Titans – It is amazing the Titans are still alive in the race for the putrid AFC South.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Seven Power Rankings

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It wasn’t the blood bath I was hoping for, but the Colts trying to pull off the Annexation of Puerto Rico made it all worthwhile. Indianapolis showed a little bit of pride and finally dropped their nuts after being shoved into a locker in the previous billion meetings. My boys came away with a victory on the road and sit atop the AFC, per usual. However, a tough game looms at home this weekend when a rejuvenated Jets team comes to town. This matchup places the number one offense in the league against the number one defense in a game that will play much closer than people think. The defensive front of the Jets is arguably the best in the league and let’s not forget about number twenty-four in the secondary. Granted, they still have the Amish King running the show on offense, but Todd Bowles led an Arizona defense into Foxboro a few years back and shocked the Patriots. Not sure if this has crossed anyone else’s mind, but we are almost halfway through the regular season. Winter is coming…

1) New England Patriots – If you don’t think Ernie Adams had something to do with the Colts calling that play, you’re lying to yourself.

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King proved he was human throwing a few interceptions two weeks back, and the defense let up a quarter-mile worth of passing yards. Yet, the Pack is still undefeated.

3) Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals have the deepest roster in the NFL. Fact, not opinion. Can the Ginger keep up his stellar play when the elements come into play?

4) Denver Broncos – Denver’s defense and special teams has outscored the offense. I picked them to win the Super Bowl, but I don’t think they keep this pace up when the weather declines.

5) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton did something he hasn’t done since he came into the league. He earned my kudos.

6) Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals lost to Mike Vick and Landry Jones. Plain and simple. I won’t and can’t buy a Carson Palmer led team.

7) New Jersey Jets – Sheldon Richardson is licking his chops for Sunday’s game in New England. Hey Snacks, so is TB12.

8) Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons ran into The Kings of Primetime. Not many people beat the Saints in their own building when the stage is at its biggest.

9) Philadelphia Eagles – When is Chip Kelly going to realize running Demarco Murray laterally out of the pistol is not the best way to use his skillset?

10) Pittsburgh Steelers – Welcome to the NFL Landry Jones. Big Ben should be 100% healthy before he laces up the cleats again, and the organization will be foolish to allow him to do otherwise.

11) New Jersey Giants – I’ve never seen a quarterback make more horrible decisions in my life than Eli Manning. I mean these are the dumbest of dumb throws.

12) Seattle Seahawks – Russell Wilson’s pocket awareness is as sharp as a spork they give to prisoners.

13) Buffalo Bills – The locker room is already starting to unravel halfway through Rex Ryan’s first season.

14) San Diego Chargers– If 502 passing yards isn’t winning you football games, something is wrong on the other side of the ball.

15) Indianapolis Colts– I call it, The Annexation of Puerto Rico.

16) Dallas Cowboys – Bye Week

17) Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings offensive line needs to improve, regardless of the team winning games. AP is the cog that makes that engine go.

18) Miami Dolphins – The Fish seemed to play with a little bit of fire for their new coach. Maybe the Oklahoma drill actually works?

19) Cleveland Browns – Captain Mike must have been sick after that game on Sunday. He had multiple chances to put the Broncos and Manning away, and his team puked on themselves.

20) St. Louis Rams – Bye Week

21) Oakland Raiders – Bye Week

22) Chicago Bears – Alshon Jeffery’s return is going to be huge for the Bears offense. They need more out of the running game from Matt Forte to be competitive though.

23) New Orleans Saints – Brees delivered per usual for the Kings of Primetime.

24) Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs may not win more than four games this year. The team is a mess in all three phases of the game.
25) Houston Texans – Deandre Hopkins may be the best receiver in football in only his second year.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Bye week.

27) Washington Redskins – Gruden making excuses for the weather being too windy for his quarterback is not a good look.

28) Detroit Lions – Fat Face won a game! Fat Face won a game!

29) Jacksonville Jaguars – Not only do the Jaguars stink, they have to make their annual trip across the pond to get beaten by the Bills on Sunday.

30) San Francisco 49ers – I’m happy for Tomasula. We all laughed at his EBS issues in his presser a few weeks back. The Niners put their foot on the gas Sunday against the Ravens, finally. Plenty of pun intended.

31) Baltimore Ravens – Oh Baltimore, you will be 1-6 by this time next week. Life is good.

32) Tennessee Titans – Mariota has a slight MCL sprain. The Selfie King may be taking the snaps for the next few weeks.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL: Week Six Power Rankings

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Any fan in the New England region circled this this Sunday on the calendar, the second the schedule was released. The drug addict owner, the scumbag general manager, and a fan base whom is planning on flying a blimp over the stadium (which has a closed roof might I add), have to face their demons in a just a few days. Will Mr. Kraft be giving some sort of motivational speech during the pregame? I wouldn’t doubt it. Is Brady going to be playing with the fire of a thousand suns in Lucas Oil Stadium? That isn’t even a legitimate question. Will the Patriots punch the Colts in the mouth and take their lunch money again? I sure hope so. We’ve beaten them by a million the last four times we’ve played, so history is on the Patriots side. I don’t want to get too caught up in this and start flying the homer flag too much, so I’m going right into the rankings.

1) New England Patriots – The champs are still undefeated and are about to commit murder in Indianapolis on Sunday night.

2) Green Bay Packers – The Packers defense won them a game on Sunday. The Denim King threw her first two interceptions of the season, but they came out on top.

3) Cincinnati Bengals – OK Cincy, you have my interest now. You beat a solid team at home.

#PrayForIndy via gillettesgallerygods.wordpress.com
#PrayForIndy
via gillettesgallerygods.wordpress.com

4) Denver Broncos – Manning’s arm still looks dead, but the defense in Denver is very much alive.

5) Atlanta Falcons – Devonta Freeman has been an absolute monster, and picked up the slack for an ailing Julio Jones.

6) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona is getting far too much hype. They are feasting on TERRIBLE quarterbacks and offenses. However, they are still 4-1.

7) Carolina Panthers – Coming off bye week.

8) New Jersey Jets – Coming off bye week.

9) New Jersey Giants – The Giants could very well be 5-0 right now.

10) Buffalo Bills – This Bills team reminds me a lot of the 2010 team that went to the AFC Championship. However, their secondary is 100 times worse.

11) Seattle Seahawks – Seattle blew it and I’m still wondering why they can’t get the ball to Jimmy Graham.

12) Pittsburgh Steelers – Steeler fans can’t wait for Big Ben to come back. However, knowing him he may rush back too quickly and do further damage. It was a big win for the Steelers on the west coast in primetime though.

13) San Diego Chargers – San Diego lost to a team led by Mike Vick. Plain and simple.

14) Indianapolis Colts – The day of reckoning is upon you Indianapolis.

Neck Beard may get a Stone Cold Stunner from multiple Patriots defenders
Neck Beard may get a Stone Cold Stunner from multiple Patriots defenders

15) Philadelphia Eagles – Sam Bradford better learn to protect the football in the red zone, regardless of how much Philly won by.

16) Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys need a quarterback, and quickly.

17) Chicago Bears – I’m happy for John Fox. The guy has been to hell and back and has his team playing hard again.

18) Kansas City Chiefs – Jamaal Charles’ injury ended his season and most likely the Chiefs as well.

19) Cleveland Browns – McCown threw for a billion yards and the Browns won a game in a tough place to play. They get Denver this coming Sunday at home.

20) St. Louis Rams – Nick Foles had one of the worst games I’ve seen a quarterback play in quite some time.

21) Oakland Raiders – The Raiders continue to make Raiders type plays in crunch time.

22) Minnesota Vikings – Coming off bye week.

23) Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jaguars need to improve in the secondary before they can become somewhat relevant.

24) Baltimore Ravens – Nothing brings me more joy than seeing Baltimore 1-4.

25) New Orleans Saints – It is a short week for the Saints, but the game is in primetime and at home. Typically Drew Brees plays out of his mind in games like this.

26) Miami Dolphins – Coming off bye week. *Editors note: at least they didn’t lose, however they can’t blame losses on Philbin anymore.

27) Washington Redskins – Just like the Skins found a way to win a game last week, they found a way to lose one this week.

28) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Winston didn’t turn the ball over for the first time in his short professional career.

29) Houston Texans – Houston may not win another game the rest of the season.

Hoyer SHOULD be the starter, but Billy may overthink this for the 3,494th time
Hoyer SHOULD be the starter, but Billy may overthink this for the 3,494th time

30) Tennessee Titans – Tennessee did all in their power to let Buffalo win that game on Sunday.

31) San Francisco 49ers – Too little, too late for the Niners. They can build off of that loss, but still have a long way to go.

32) Detroit Lions – Fat Face got benched for Dan Orlovsky. Enough said…

AFC, Buffalo Bills, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Five Power Rankings

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It was the bye week here in New England, and a few things became crystal clear that were a bit hazy previously. The gap in the AFC East was supposed to be closed and the division was going to be competitive again. Sadly, the gap now resembles a washed up porn star waiting to be “back on top again”, no pun intended. The Dolphins fired their coach, the Bills have committed half a billion penalties and jumped back into the mediocre pool, and the jury is still out on the Jets. It is a week into October, but they are still 3-1. Time will tell how this will all shake out, but the AFC East could be clinched by Thanksgiving again. Another mind blowing situation over the weekend was the lack of quality in kicking, punting, or special teams in general. People want to crucify Papa Bill on franchising his kicker, and then giving him “crazy money”. Our squad has had two kickers in two decades. And both of them have nuts of steel. The Scorched Earth tour continues this weekend against Plastic Face’s Reverse Cowgirls and then off to the league mandated pharmacists’ Indianapolis Colts. I won’t look past Dallas, but I’ve had 10/18 circled on my calendar since the schedule came out this spring.

1) New England Patriots – Even Brady’s kid is setting new fashion trends. Did you see the photos from his sister’s wedding?

TB12 still on top, unless Super G wants to take control.
TB12 still on top, unless Super G wants to take control.

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King is playing at an MVP type level, but what was more surprising is how well his defense played on the road.

3) Denver Broncos – 75% of The Forehead’s passes look like they are going to be picked off. Regardless, the Broncos are 4-0.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals still don’t have me buying what they are selling. However, they have my interest.

5) Atlanta Falcons – Overrated. The Falcons have beaten up on teams that have either been decimated by injury or just terrible to begin with.

6) Carolina Panthers – Carolina is on the same overrated train with the Falcons. One of them will have to win the piss poor NFC South.

7) Arizona Cardinals – Well so much for Arizona being the most complete team in the conference. The defense got lambasted by Nick F’ing Foles.

8) Seattle Seahawks – The offensive line better improve in Seattle, or Mr. Ciara is going to be carried out on a stretcher.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Amy Schumer’s twin brother has to beat Tom Brady on two weeks rest. Good luck.

10) New Jersey Jets – I give credit where credit is due. The Jets won a big bounce back game across the pond in London. Granted it was against a team that just fired its coach. But they are 3-1.

11) San Diego Chargers – We are four weeks into the season and have seen Good Phillip and Bad Phillip twice. Do the math.

12) Buffalo Bills – A loud mouth coach, a team that commits a billion and one penalties, and a defensive backfield with zero stones. This is your #BillsMafia

"We will be the most penalized team on the planet." - Rex Ryan
“We will be the most penalized team on the planet.” – Rex Ryan

13) Pittsburgh Steelers – I was in Pittsburgh this past week, and the loyalty and excitement of their fan base puts anything else I’ve seen in my travels to shame. However, that doesn’t win you football games.

14) Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis have squeaked by the Titans and Jaguars in consecutive weeks. 10/8 Colts fans. 10/18.

15) New Jersey Giants – I didn’t give the G-Strings a shot in Orchard Park. Eli went back to being Eli late in the fourth quarter with the bonehead interception, but the Giants look solid.

16) Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs better get their offensive line fixed and in a hurry.

17) St. Louis Rams – St. Louis beats Seattle and Arizona, and will most likely lose to every crap team in the league going forward.

18) Oakland Raiders – Oakland had the Bears on the ropes while looking to win three straight. They have a date with The Forehead on Sunday at home.

19) Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings played a hell of a game in Denver. If Bridgewater had a ¼ of a brain, they most likely win that game.

20) Philadelphia Eagles – My good friend Darren probably had four and a half heart attacks watching that dumpster fire on Sunday.

21) Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore went ahead and used the “illegal formations” the Patriots finger blasted them with in the AFC divisional round. God, do I hate Baltimore.

22) Jacksonville Jaguars – Gus had his shot at taking over first place in the AFC South. His kicker single handedly blew that.

23) Cleveland Browns – Cleveland fans are probably itching for Johnny Manziel to get some playing time. However, McCown played a damn good football game in a loss.

24) New Orleans Saints – A week off may have been what Drew Brees needed. The Saints won a must win game in primetime. However, the run defense is still suspect.

25) Miami Dolphins – Trouble in South Beach.

"I hope you enjoy your practice squad checks."
“I hope you enjoy your practice squad checks.”

26) Chicago Bears – I’m not sure if the Bears were supposed to win that game on Sunday, but hey Foxy got his first win as the Bears head coach.

27) Washington Redskins – The Skins found a way to win on Sunday. However, Chip Kelly made that pretty easy on them.

28) Houston Texans – The Texans got their doors blown off by Matt Ryan. They may be facing the neck beard at home on short rest come Thursday night.

29) Tennessee Titans – It was a bye week for Mr. Personality.

30) Detroit Lions – The Lions were on the short end of the stick in Seattle. Maybe Fat Face can turn it around at home against Arizona this week.

31) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I said Winston was going to be brutal, and he has been every bit of it since his first snap.

32) San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco is slowing melting back into that puddle of mess they were before Harbaugh came long.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL: Week Four Power Rankings

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Super Bowls aren’t won in September, but you don’t do yourself any favors by starting 0-3. We have seven teams undefeated three weeks into the season, and a lot of franchises that resemble a healthy dumpster fire. One marquee quarterback is on a personal vengeance tour against the league, while another is looking every bit of the league MVP he was named in 2014. We’ve had surprises from teams in the NFC South, as massive injuries hit the faces of multiple franchises with championship pedigree. My beloved Patriots were given the earliest bye week in recent memory (no conspiracy theory here). So what do champions do during the bye week you may ask? Remember the scene in Billy Madison that required a pitching wedge, ice cubes, and a stuffed buffalo? It most likely plays out like this in the Brady household. TB12 sends the kids off to the grandma’s house and is having a week long slosh fest with Super G in his Brookline mansion. He dresses up, most likely as Gandhi (because all superheroes don’t wear capes) and boom, Brady baby number four gets dumped into Super G during the bye week. I’d bet my mortgage on it.

1) New England Patriots – #PrayforTheByeWeek

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King looks every bit of the MVP he was named last season. Health at the skill position is going to be something to watch in Green Bay.

3) Denver Broncos – “Keep, me, in, the, shotgun, please.” – The Forehead

Manning Praying He Stays In The Shotgun
Manning Praying He Stays In The Shotgun

4) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona looks like the most complete team in the conference, but can they stay healthy? The Kangol is doing a great job in the desert.

5) Cincinnati Bengals – AJ Green single handedly made someone very rich in daily fantasy football pools. I just can’t buy into The Ginger just yet.

6) Atlanta Falcons – Getting torched by a Brandon Weeden led Cowboys team isn’t what you expect from a Dan Quinn built defense. However, Julio Jones is playing like an absolute monster.

7) Dallas Cowboys – Dez and Tony Underwood-Simpson are both gone for the foreseeable future. Can Dallas’ defense allow them to tread water in maybe the worst division in football?

8) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo went back to being the Buffalo we saw in week one. Let’s see who shows up against the G-Strings this weekend.

9) Seattle Seahawks – Peter Rabbit decided to get Jimmy Graham involved in the offense. Smart move.

10) Carolina Panthers – The Panthers are one of the biggest surprises in the league thus far.

11) Pittsburgh Steelers – That scary Pittsburgh offense I spoke about last week is now even scarier….. For Pittsburgh fans. You are stuck with Mike Vick as your quarterback until around Halloween or later.

12) Kansas City Chiefs – Boy is Andy Reid one of the dumbest smart guys on the planet.

13) New Jersey Jets – Brandon Marshall made what he called the worst play in the history of the NFL. The Jets went back to being the Jets.

14) Indianapolis Colts – Chuck Pagano said a week three win against the Tennessee Titans was one he would remember for the rest of his life. That’s all you need to know about Indy.

Does this look like the face of the NFL's Designated Pharmacist?
Does this look like the face of the NFL’s Designated Pharmacist?

15) San Diego Chargers – The Chargers got their asses handed to them in Minnesota and Phillip Rivers went back to being Mr. Inconsistent.

16) New Jersey Giants – We’ll see what the Giants are made of when they head to Buffalo this weekend. Elijah played a decent game against a weak Redskins team.

17) Oakland Raiders – The Raiders won in the Eastern Time zone for the first time in 242 years.

18) Miami Dolphins – The Doppelganger stepdad from Step Brothers won’t be the coach of the Dolphins by Halloween.

19) Minnesota Vikings – AP is back, the defense is a bunch of ball hawks, and Teddy B is doing his best at taking care of the football.

20) Philadelphia Eagles – Chip Kelly has made some highly questionable roster moves since he has arrived in Philadelphia. Most of them haven’t worked out so well. Perhaps Ryan Matthews and Darren Sproles should be getting more touches going forward?

21) St. Louis Rams – Nick Foles needs to improve in every facet of the game. These losses are falling on him not taking care of the football.

22) Baltimore Ravens – “The Ravens and Harbaugh are sweethearts.” – Jonathan Kraft

23) Detroit Lions – Fat Face has either really regressed or is hurt more than we know. The Lions looked terrible at home against Denver.

24) Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville returned to being Jacksonville after kickoff on Sunday.

25) Cleveland Browns – I’m still perplexed why Johnny Manziel isn’t playing over Josh McCown?

26) Houston Texans – I’m happy for Houston to get their first win. Granted it was over King Crab and the Bucs, but a win is a win. The AFC South could be the worst division in football.

27) Tennessee Titans – If the Titans had an ounce of experience, they send the Colts to 0-3.

28) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs need to get the ball into the hands of their playmakers. The offense is as vanilla as I’ve seen in a long time. It resembles a preseason offense.

29) Washington Redskins – The Redskins may jump into the tankapalooza pool shortly.

30) San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head threw four interceptions and had nine completions. Tough times in San Francisco.

31) New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees better get his shoulder fixed, and quickly.

32) Chicago Bears – It is a fire sale in Chicago.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFL

NFL Week Two Power Rankings

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Meaningful football is back, and watching Tom Brady and Company assassinate the rest of the NFL has been a pleasure to watch thus far. The Patriots took the quick flight up to that cesspool of a stadium in Buffalo and slapped Rex Ryan and the big mouth Bills around in their own backyard. I liken it to having a play-date and there is that one punk child who steals the good toys and sucker punches the other kids. Those are my 2015 Patriots. I’m proud of it and hope Brady continues to step on the nuts of every team in front of him. I’m hoping him and Bill go into “Eff You Mode” until we show up in Santa Clara for our fifth Lombardi trophy. Sure, there are plenty of other story lines to chat about, but everyone made Brady, the Patriots, and the evil empire in Foxboro the focal point of the off-season. So now that real football is here, we’ll continue to harp on them and every homicide they commit on field each week.

1) New England Patriots – The defending champs have dismantled both teams they played and won Super Bowl 49 ½ up in Buffalo this past weekend. Brady is pissed and they have Blake Bortles, a bye week and Brandon Weeden before we invade the Drug Den in Indianapolis.

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King trolled Mr. Ciara last night and it was fantastic. I still believe Olivia Munn is strapping it on behind closed doors, but the Packers (no pun intended) are the class of the NFC.

3) Denver Broncos – The sooner Gary Kubiak figures out that The Forehead is 38 years old and has a tough time under center, the better off the Broncos will be. Their defense is going to win them more games than the offense this year.

4) Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer is healthy, but questions remain at the running back position. Also, can the defense live up to the hype?

5) Dallas Cowboys – Dez and Tony Underwood-Simpson are both gone for the foreseeable future. Can Dallas’ defense allow them to tread water in maybe the worst division in football?

6) Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati has looked pretty damn impressive thus far. Andy Dalton beat a tough Chargers team at home on Sunday. They need more out of their safeties to make any noise in the AFC.

7) Pittsburgh Steelers – Remember that scary Pittsburgh offense I’ve been talking about all offseason? It showed up at home against San Fran. Can the defense take the next step? Time will tell.

8) Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid went back to being Andy Reid last week. The Chiefs road doesn’t get any easier playing in Green Bay next Monday night.

9) Seattle Seahawks – Mr. Ciara still runs around like a kid whom hasn’t taken his medication, and the Hawks have lost three straight going back to the Super Bowl.

10) Atlanta Falcons – Dan Quinn has his defense making stops late in games that last year’s team wouldn’t dream of. Julio Jones may be the best WR in the game as well.

11) Indianapolis Colts – 10/18. Plain and simple. The Neck Beard is leading the league in turnovers since the start of last season. #PrayForIndy

12) Philadelphia Eagles – Sam Bradford looked like a deer in headlights after every down on Sunday. Will Chip realize that Murray is better suited running when the QB is under center?

13) New Jersey Jets – The Jets are the most surprising team in the NFL and Revis has been an absolute monster for them thus far.

14) San Diego Chargers – Phillip Rivers broke the franchise record for touchdowns on Sunday. He also forgot Keenen Allen existed after a fifteen catch performance the week before.

15) Buffalo Bills – 4-10 against BB and TB12. They lost Super Bowl 49 ½ to the Patriots at home on Sunday. That is all you need to know about Buffalo.

16) Baltimore Ravens – Nothing pleases me more to see a Harbaugh brother losing on the road in back to back weeks.

17) Miami Dolphins – Two games into the biggest contract in franchise history, Suh has decided he doesn’t need to listen to the plays his coach is calling.

18) Minnesota Vikings – AP hasn’t found the end zone, but the Vikings are 1-1. Maybe someone should break out the switch and start whacking him with it.

19) St. Louis Rams – How on earth do you beat the Seahawks and lose to the Redskins led by Kurt Bleeping Cousins?

20) New Jersey Giants – Elijah better right the ship, and fast. They have a short week up ahead with a Redskins team coming to town with nothing to lose.

21) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton very easily could have broken his neck on his little summersault technique into the end zone. I don’t wish injuries on anyone, but I can’t stand that clown.

22) Detroit Lions – Fat Face is inconsistent. The defensive backfield looks like the Little Giants. They are undisciplined and poorly coached. Does this sound familiar Lions fans?

23) Oakland Raiders – Derek Carr is legit. Mr.Cooper is just as legit. If the Raiders got a little more help on the back end of the defense, they’d be right there in the AFC West.

24) Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville’s honeymoon will be cut short in a few days when they head to Foxboro.

25) Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football earned the starting role last week. Cleveland should keep the momentum going with the Raiders coming to down.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – King Crab beat Drew Brees in his own building. That single handedly murdered anyone’s chances of winning their suicide pool.

27) Houston Texans – I’ve picked Houston to contend in the AFC South. They are in last place after two weeks.

28) Tennessee Titans – After Mariota won AFC Offensive Player of the Week (which Brady got screwed over for) he went and got sacked a half dozen times and turned the ball over in Cleveland.

29) Washington Redskins – RG3 has been inactive for the first two games of the season. Life is good.

30) San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head has played well in his first two games, but the defense can’t keep up their end of the bargain.

31) New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees looks old and lost without his security blanket, Ginger Graham.

32) Chicago Bears – Sour Puss went down with an injury and Alshon Jeffery can’t seem to get healthy. Oh, and they let up a franchise record in points.

AFC, NFC, NFL

2015 NFL Season Predictions

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The one common thing about predictions is they miss the mark completely year in and year out. I had the Packers beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl last year, which was two fluke plays away from coming to fruition. Granted Green Bay would to have needed to beat New England, but they had already done so fairly easy earlier in the year. The 2015 season has a ton of unknowns. As of this article being published we don’t know if the Super Bowl MVP is going to be starting under center for the defending champs. Will Tommy be dogging Giselle from his Brookline home when the Patriots take on the Steelers? Can The Forehead’s arm strength that resembles Johnny Damon’s keep Denver in the hunt? Will the Neck Beard limit turnovers in the postseason, and avoid another raping by a Bill Belichick lead defense? Has Russell Wilson finally caved to Ciara’s golden vagina? Chances are probably not. He is such a soft piece of crap, and I’m already sick of the mantra he is shoving down the media’s throats. Buddy, you have one of the hottest pieces of ass on the market, destroy it! I can guarantee someone else on the Seahawks team will be if you are not. How many touchdowns will Captain America score on both sides of the ball for the Texans? He is another one who has some solid Instagram tail begging him to slide into their DMs, but he may be too dumb to notice it? It is prediction time, and I’m sure to catch a ton of crap for 99.9% of what I write, but let’s get crackin…

L is for the way you Look at Me
L is for the way you Look at Me

AFC East
Patriots (11-5)
Dolphins (9-7)
Bills (8-8)
Jets (6-10)
The division is still the Patriots to lose. They won’t be as dominant in the division as they have been in year’s past and will have their first five loss season in recent memory. Losing their starting corner-backs will be a much bigger problem than people are letting on.

Leveon Bell should be the overall #1 Pick in Fantasy Drafts, even with the suspension
Leveon Bell should be the overall #1 Pick in Fantasy Drafts, even with the suspension

AFC North
Ravens (12-4)
Steelers (10-6)
Bengals (9-7)
Browns (5-11)
Baltimore is another team who puked on themselves in the postseason last year, but will be improved in 2015. They addressed the defensive backfield in the off-season and in the draft, so they will be improved there. I may be the biggest Harbaugh hater on the planet, and rightfully so. I’d give anything to see some coach “one-punch” him during the post-game handshake.

Sale on Pills - Aisle 4
Sale on Pills – Aisle 4

AFC South
Colts (12-4)
Texans (9-7)
Titans (6-10)
Jaguars (4-12)
As bad as the AFC East is, the AFC South isn’t much better. The President of League Pharmaceutical Distribution went out and spent some money in the off-season. They got “tougher” if you want to call it that, on the offensive side of the ball. Scoring points wasn’t the problem for Indianapolis last season, it was getting hit in the nuts and thrown in a locker by the Patriots on defense. The Colts are soft, they are the sole reason for “Deflategate” and Jim Irsay loves pills and hookers.

According to me, we will see this twice in 2015.
According to me, we will see this twice in 2015.

AFC West
Broncos (13-3)
Chiefs (11-5)
Chargers (8-8)
Raiders (6-10)
Denver will go back to what won them championships at the end of Elway’s run. CJ Anderson isn’t Terrell Davis, but he, Monte Ball, and Ronnie Hillman will take the load off of The Forehead to win games on his own. The Horses have some studs on defense and can get after the quarterback. Will The Forehead be able to win the cold weather game come January and exercise that demon? I believe so.

Chip Kelly will be assaulted by Riley Cooper by Week 8. Print it!
Chip Kelly will be assaulted by Riley Cooper by Week 8. Print it!

NFC East
Eagles (12-4)
Cowboys (11-5)
Giants (7-9)
Redskins (4-12)
Chip Kelly is still kicking the tires on Tim Tebow, but he knows Sam Bradford will be his money maker on offense. Can he stay upright and healthy in the fast paced Eagles offense? Will Demarco Murray be over or underutilized? Did the 440 touches last year put too many miles on the tires? Can the defense hold up their end of the bargain? Many questions for a team that I’m picking to win the division.

70% Completion Rate he says? He must be smoking what Leveon Bell was this offseason.
70% Completion Rate he says? He must be smoking what Leveon Bell was this offseason.

NFC North
Green Bay (13-3)
Detroit (10-6)
Minnesota (8-8)
Chicago (7-9)
Green Bay is the class of the NFC, even losing Jordy Nelson. I love the back end of their defense and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, if he remains healthy, will be an All Pro this year. The guy has a knack for always being around the ball and plays with a physical edge. Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league and will be playing for his second Super Bowl ring come February in San Francisco.

King Crab may have arm strength, but the dude threw 20+ INTs in a weak ACC
King Crab may have arm strength, but the dude threw 20+ INTs in a weak ACC

NFC South
New Orleans (12-4)
Atlanta (10-6)
Carolina (6-10)
Tampa Bay (4-12)
Bounce back year for the Saints this year. They did some serious house cleaning on the field and with positional coaches. I love the Dennis Allen pick up and Brandon Cooks is going to be an absolute monster. Drew Brees will miss his security blanket of Ginger Graham, but has some younger weapons at his disposal. I liken this situation to when Colston, Devery Henderson, Reggie Bush, and others were his primary targets.

Who Has it Better Than You? EVERYBODY!
Who Has it Better Than You? EVERYBODY!

NFC West
Seattle (12-4)
Arizona (9-7)
St. Louis (8-8)
San Francisco (5-11)
Mr. Ciara talked to God after he threw the interception to Malcolm Butler in the Super Bowl. He also talks to God when he is between the sheets with his girlfriend whom is a hip-hop superstar. Let’s hope, for the sake of Seahawks fans, he leaves that mumbo jumbo at home come opening weekend. Seattle has all of the talent in the world, but a coach who sometimes has his head in the sand with a smoothie cocktail on Venice Beach. The Hawks will be there come January, but will be traveling to Lambeau to face the Packers.

AFC Wild Card Weekend
(4) New England over (5) Kansas City
(3) Baltimore over (6) Pittsburgh
BYE: (1) Denver (2) Indianapolis

AFC Divisional Playoffs
(1) Denver over (4) New England
(3) Baltimore over (2) Indianapolis

AFC Championship
(1) Denver over (3) Baltimore

NFC Wild Card Weekend
(3) New Orleans over (6) Detroit
(4) Philadelphia over (5) Dallas
BYE: (1) Green Bay (2) Seattle

NFC Divisional Playoffs
(1)Green Bay over (4) Philadelphia
(2) Seattle over (3) New Orleans

NFC Championship
(1)Green Bay over (2) Seattle

Super Bowl 50
(1)Denver over (1) Green Bay

Postseason Awards:
MVP: Aaron Rodgers – Packers
Offensive Player of the Year: Calvin Johnson – Lions
Defensive Player of the Year: Justin Houston – Chiefs
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Amari Cooper – Raiders
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Randy Gregory – Cowboys
Comeback Player of the Year: Victor Cruz – Giants
Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy – Packers

Other Postseason Awards and Predictions:
Owner Likely to Overdose Mid-Game: Jim Irsay – Colts
Most Dysfunctional Organization: New Jersey Jets/Washington No-Names
Most Likely to Bang Ciara Before Russell Wilson: Pete Carroll & Marshawn Lynch (Simultaneously)
Over/Under on the Amount of Babies Conceived When TB12 Takes The Field Opening Night: 1,233,393 (All Male Pregnancies)
Who Sings the National Anthem at Super Bowl 50 in San Francisco: The Biebs, if it isn’t him, murder whom is in charge of choosing the artist.
NFL Sex Tape That Gets Released by Mid-Season: Ciara with Marshawn Lynch and Pete Carroll
How many players murder their ACL’s by the end of the season: 95
Coach Likely to Get Challenged to Mortal Kombat by their own players: Chip Kelly
Coach with the season long sinus infection and cold: Bill Belichick, but that is a given. Six Rings has that effect on people.

There you have it. Go throw a million billion on each of these predictions. You’ll thank me later.

NFL

2015 Preseason NFL Power Rankings

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It is crazy to believe we are ten days away from the start of another NFL season.  With so many story lines completely unrelated to football, I’m not giving any of them one syllable of press.  Will we see our first repeat Super Bowl champions since the Patriots did it over a decade ago?  Will Aaron Rodgers get his second ring?  Will Big Ben and Elijah get their third?  Is this Peyton Manning’s last year under center?  These are just a few of the burning questions facing the 2015 NFL season.  Let’s kick off the 2015 season and take a look at our first weekly power rankings.

 

  1. Seattle Seahawks – I believe Kam Chancellor will be back in time for the season opener. Ciara’s Bitch (Russell Wilson for all you newcomers) got a new toy in Ginger Graham (Jimmy Graham) and the Seahawks defense is still the best in the league.

  2. Green Bay Packers – The Denim King (Aaron Rodgers) may have lost Jordy Nelson, but he still has The Demon (Randall Cobb) and Davante Adams at his disposal. The Packers literally gave the NFC Championship game away to Seattle last season.  They win that game, they beat New England in the Super Bowl.

  3. New England Patriots – Tom Brady’s suspension is still looming and the Patriots have health concerns at WR and OL. They lost three of their starting CBs from last season to free agency, and depth is another issue as well.  Anytime you have BB and TB12, you have a fighter’s chance.  However, how long can they keep this train going?

  4. Indianapolis Colts – The Neck Beard (Andrew Luck) has a freight train in the backfield now in Frank Gore and another weapon to throw to with Andre Johnson. Did this defense get tough enough to win come January?  Is their rat bastard owner going to keep his nose clean or get caught driving a mobile pharmacy again down Route 66 in Indy?

  5. Denver Broncos – Remember how John Elway went out when it was his time? I see the same thing happening for The Forehead (Manning) this year in Denver.  The defense is healthy and vastly underrated.  Kubiak is going to keep the pressure off Peyton having to drop back 50 times a game with a more balanced attack.

  6. Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer has all of his extremities intact which is good news for fans of the red birds. Patrick Peterson and the Honey Badger will police the back end of a ferocious defense that didn’t lose their second game into mid-November last season.

  7. Kansas City Chiefs – We all know the story about Kansas City not throwing a touchdown to a WR all of last season. Jeremy Maclin coming on board changes all of that and changes it big time. Travis Kelce will have double digit touchdown grabs as well.

  8. Philadelphia Eagles – Sam Bradford, Mark Sanchez, and Tim Tebow. God, I love seeing those names scroll across the ticker on the four letter network.  Chip will keep teams on their toes with the up tempo offense lead by Bradford and newcomer Demarco Murray.  Can the defense hold up their end of the bargain?  Time will tell.

  9. Dallas Cowboys – Locking up Dez Bryant was the best move for all parties involved. Jerry Jones is still the biggest puppet Roger Goodell has in his toy box, but I like the draft and FA moves he made in the offseason.  Can Tony Underwood/Simpson (Tony Romo) finally break through and win the big game?

  10. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers have a scary offense on paper. Regardless if Martevius Bryant decided to eat a few adderalls a few weeks ago, Pittsburgh is going to be solid.  Can the defense survive the switch from years of Dick Lebeau calling the shots?

  11. Baltimore Ravens – No set of twins, besides the Olson twins, piss me off more than the Harbaugh brothers. My feelings were validated Saturday night when he was ready to throw down with Jay Gruden.

  12. New Orleans Saints – The Saints may be ranked a little high here, but Bruce Allen and Rob Ryan working together is going to improve their team drastically. Brandon Cooks is going to be a fantasy monster this year.

  13. Miami Dolphins – Miami is going to win some games this year. Even though the coach is a doppelganger for Mr. Dobeck in Stepbrothers, the Fish are going to be a respectable team.

  14. Houston Texans – Captain America (JJ Watt), Jadaveon Clowney, and Big Vince is a scary defensive front. Can the offense put up enough points to keep the Texans competitive this year?  It will rest of the shoulders of former TB12 backup, Brian Hoyer.

  15. Detroit Lions – Fat Face (Matthew Stafford) needs to take care of the football. Plain and simple.  The loss of Suh is not going to be offset by gaining Ngata.  Stop fooling yourselves Lions fans.

  16. Cincinnatti Bengals – The Ginger (Andy Dalton) is 0-4 I believe now in the postseason. What does that get you?  Let’s say around $100MM.  Ladies and gentlemen, meet your 2015 Cincinnatti Bengals.

  17. San Diego Chargers – Antonio Gates was another “party boy” over the summer. These guys are just crushing vodka sodas and popping adderall in the offseason.  The Bolts just aren’t good enough on the defensive line to stop a mostly run first AFC west.

  18. New Jersey Giants – Eli Manning wants to be referred to as Elijah now. That and OBJ was on the Madden cover.  That is all you need to know about the Giants this year.

  19. Buffalo Bills – Rex went with Tyrod Taylor as his starting quarterback, because he is tough to defend. Rex, let me break it down for you here bud….  That is what decent quarterbacks are, tough to defend.

  20. Chicago Bears – New coach, same puss face quarterback.

  21. Atlanta Falcons – Many people are high on the Falcons this year, I for one am not. I don’t think they are decent enough on the defensive side of the ball and were pretty soft for the most part last season.

  22. Minnesota Vikings – Teddy Bridgewater wants to complete seventy percent of his passes this year? If he does that, the Vikings will be playing meaningful football in December.  Can AP make it back to his 2013 self?  Will the defense take another step forward as they did in 2014?

  23. Louis Rams – The Rams are another team many are high on this season. They have major questions at running back and Nick Foles may have been a product of the Chip Kelly system.  We’ll find out in a few weeks.

  24. New Jersey Jets – Todd Bowles just doesn’t strike me as motivational head coach. With the cast of characters and divas he has in that locker room, it could get ugly in New Jersey…. Fast.

  25. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton won a brutal NFC South last year by the skin of his teeth. He has no Kelvin Benjamin to throw to and I couldn’t tell you who the number two receiver is.

  26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles has supposedly made strides thus far in camp. The bar wasn’t set too high to begin with.

  27. Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football has some elbow issues while Josh Gordon is in Jamaica somewhere enjoying the fruits of the “earth”. They are a mess at RB and have even uglier jerseys than last season.

  28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – King Crab looks like a rookie so far into his preseason campaign. Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson may make things interesting for the Bucs, but they are still a few years out.

  29. San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head (Colin Kaepernick) lost his head coach and ¾ of his team to retirement or other injuries. It is going to be a long season in the Bay Area.

  30. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota has looked the best out of any rookie quarterbacks so far this preseason. I’m eating crow thus far when I said he would be a bust.  He takes on King Crab (Winston) in week one to open the season.

  31. Oakland Raiders – The Raiders are still a year or two away from being a playoff contender. However, Derek Carr threw over 20 TDs and started all 16 games last season.  Amari Cooper is no slouch either.

  32. Washington Redskins – Can’t decide on the name of the team, building a new stadium, and who their starting quarterback is going to be. That is par for the course for the Redskins.

Feel free to follow on Twitter @mikeprocopio or email at mike.procopio@gmail.com