Meaningful football is back, and watching Tom Brady and Company assassinate the rest of the NFL has been a pleasure to watch thus far. The Patriots took the quick flight up to that cesspool of a stadium in Buffalo and slapped Rex Ryan and the big mouth Bills around in their own backyard. I liken it to having a play-date and there is that one punk child who steals the good toys and sucker punches the other kids. Those are my 2015 Patriots. I’m proud of it and hope Brady continues to step on the nuts of every team in front of him. I’m hoping him and Bill go into “Eff You Mode” until we show up in Santa Clara for our fifth Lombardi trophy. Sure, there are plenty of other story lines to chat about, but everyone made Brady, the Patriots, and the evil empire in Foxboro the focal point of the off-season. So now that real football is here, we’ll continue to harp on them and every homicide they commit on field each week.
1) New England Patriots – The defending champs have dismantled both teams they played and won Super Bowl 49 ½ up in Buffalo this past weekend. Brady is pissed and they have Blake Bortles, a bye week and Brandon Weeden before we invade the Drug Den in Indianapolis.
2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King trolled Mr. Ciara last night and it was fantastic. I still believe Olivia Munn is strapping it on behind closed doors, but the Packers (no pun intended) are the class of the NFC.
3) Denver Broncos – The sooner Gary Kubiak figures out that The Forehead is 38 years old and has a tough time under center, the better off the Broncos will be. Their defense is going to win them more games than the offense this year.
4) Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer is healthy, but questions remain at the running back position. Also, can the defense live up to the hype?
5) Dallas Cowboys – Dez and Tony Underwood-Simpson are both gone for the foreseeable future. Can Dallas’ defense allow them to tread water in maybe the worst division in football?
6) Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati has looked pretty damn impressive thus far. Andy Dalton beat a tough Chargers team at home on Sunday. They need more out of their safeties to make any noise in the AFC.
7) Pittsburgh Steelers – Remember that scary Pittsburgh offense I’ve been talking about all offseason? It showed up at home against San Fran. Can the defense take the next step? Time will tell.
8) Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid went back to being Andy Reid last week. The Chiefs road doesn’t get any easier playing in Green Bay next Monday night.
9) Seattle Seahawks – Mr. Ciara still runs around like a kid whom hasn’t taken his medication, and the Hawks have lost three straight going back to the Super Bowl.
10) Atlanta Falcons – Dan Quinn has his defense making stops late in games that last year’s team wouldn’t dream of. Julio Jones may be the best WR in the game as well.
11) Indianapolis Colts – 10/18. Plain and simple. The Neck Beard is leading the league in turnovers since the start of last season. #PrayForIndy
12) Philadelphia Eagles – Sam Bradford looked like a deer in headlights after every down on Sunday. Will Chip realize that Murray is better suited running when the QB is under center?
13) New Jersey Jets – The Jets are the most surprising team in the NFL and Revis has been an absolute monster for them thus far.
14) San Diego Chargers – Phillip Rivers broke the franchise record for touchdowns on Sunday. He also forgot Keenen Allen existed after a fifteen catch performance the week before.
15) Buffalo Bills – 4-10 against BB and TB12. They lost Super Bowl 49 ½ to the Patriots at home on Sunday. That is all you need to know about Buffalo.
16) Baltimore Ravens – Nothing pleases me more to see a Harbaugh brother losing on the road in back to back weeks.
17) Miami Dolphins – Two games into the biggest contract in franchise history, Suh has decided he doesn’t need to listen to the plays his coach is calling.
18) Minnesota Vikings – AP hasn’t found the end zone, but the Vikings are 1-1. Maybe someone should break out the switch and start whacking him with it.
19) St. Louis Rams – How on earth do you beat the Seahawks and lose to the Redskins led by Kurt Bleeping Cousins?
20) New Jersey Giants – Elijah better right the ship, and fast. They have a short week up ahead with a Redskins team coming to town with nothing to lose.
21) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton very easily could have broken his neck on his little summersault technique into the end zone. I don’t wish injuries on anyone, but I can’t stand that clown.
22) Detroit Lions – Fat Face is inconsistent. The defensive backfield looks like the Little Giants. They are undisciplined and poorly coached. Does this sound familiar Lions fans?
23) Oakland Raiders – Derek Carr is legit. Mr.Cooper is just as legit. If the Raiders got a little more help on the back end of the defense, they’d be right there in the AFC West.
24) Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville’s honeymoon will be cut short in a few days when they head to Foxboro.
25) Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football earned the starting role last week. Cleveland should keep the momentum going with the Raiders coming to down.
26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – King Crab beat Drew Brees in his own building. That single handedly murdered anyone’s chances of winning their suicide pool.
27) Houston Texans – I’ve picked Houston to contend in the AFC South. They are in last place after two weeks.
28) Tennessee Titans – After Mariota won AFC Offensive Player of the Week (which Brady got screwed over for) he went and got sacked a half dozen times and turned the ball over in Cleveland.
29) Washington Redskins – RG3 has been inactive for the first two games of the season. Life is good.
30) San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head has played well in his first two games, but the defense can’t keep up their end of the bargain.
31) New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees looks old and lost without his security blanket, Ginger Graham.
32) Chicago Bears – Sour Puss went down with an injury and Alshon Jeffery can’t seem to get healthy. Oh, and they let up a franchise record in points.