NFL: Week Four Power Rankings

Super Bowls aren’t won in September, but you don’t do yourself any favors by starting 0-3. We have seven teams undefeated three weeks into the season, and a lot of franchises that resemble a healthy dumpster fire. One marquee quarterback is on a personal vengeance tour against the league, while another is looking every bit of the league MVP he was named in 2014. We’ve had surprises from teams in the NFC South, as massive injuries hit the faces of multiple franchises with championship pedigree. My beloved Patriots were given the earliest bye week in recent memory (no conspiracy theory here). So what do champions do during the bye week you may ask? Remember the scene in Billy Madison that required a pitching wedge, ice cubes, and a stuffed buffalo? It most likely plays out like this in the Brady household. TB12 sends the kids off to the grandma’s house and is having a week long slosh fest with Super G in his Brookline mansion. He dresses up, most likely as Gandhi (because all superheroes don’t wear capes) and boom, Brady baby number four gets dumped into Super G during the bye week. I’d bet my mortgage on it.

1) New England Patriots – #PrayforTheByeWeek

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King looks every bit of the MVP he was named last season. Health at the skill position is going to be something to watch in Green Bay.

3) Denver Broncos – “Keep, me, in, the, shotgun, please.” – The Forehead

Manning Praying He Stays In The Shotgun
Manning Praying He Stays In The Shotgun

4) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona looks like the most complete team in the conference, but can they stay healthy? The Kangol is doing a great job in the desert.

5) Cincinnati Bengals – AJ Green single handedly made someone very rich in daily fantasy football pools. I just can’t buy into The Ginger just yet.

6) Atlanta Falcons – Getting torched by a Brandon Weeden led Cowboys team isn’t what you expect from a Dan Quinn built defense. However, Julio Jones is playing like an absolute monster.

7) Dallas Cowboys – Dez and Tony Underwood-Simpson are both gone for the foreseeable future. Can Dallas’ defense allow them to tread water in maybe the worst division in football?

8) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo went back to being the Buffalo we saw in week one. Let’s see who shows up against the G-Strings this weekend.

9) Seattle Seahawks – Peter Rabbit decided to get Jimmy Graham involved in the offense. Smart move.

10) Carolina Panthers – The Panthers are one of the biggest surprises in the league thus far.

11) Pittsburgh Steelers – That scary Pittsburgh offense I spoke about last week is now even scarier….. For Pittsburgh fans. You are stuck with Mike Vick as your quarterback until around Halloween or later.

12) Kansas City Chiefs – Boy is Andy Reid one of the dumbest smart guys on the planet.

13) New Jersey Jets – Brandon Marshall made what he called the worst play in the history of the NFL. The Jets went back to being the Jets.

14) Indianapolis Colts – Chuck Pagano said a week three win against the Tennessee Titans was one he would remember for the rest of his life. That’s all you need to know about Indy.

Does this look like the face of the NFL's Designated Pharmacist?
Does this look like the face of the NFL’s Designated Pharmacist?

15) San Diego Chargers – The Chargers got their asses handed to them in Minnesota and Phillip Rivers went back to being Mr. Inconsistent.

16) New Jersey Giants – We’ll see what the Giants are made of when they head to Buffalo this weekend. Elijah played a decent game against a weak Redskins team.

17) Oakland Raiders – The Raiders won in the Eastern Time zone for the first time in 242 years.

18) Miami Dolphins – The Doppelganger stepdad from Step Brothers won’t be the coach of the Dolphins by Halloween.

19) Minnesota Vikings – AP is back, the defense is a bunch of ball hawks, and Teddy B is doing his best at taking care of the football.

20) Philadelphia Eagles – Chip Kelly has made some highly questionable roster moves since he has arrived in Philadelphia. Most of them haven’t worked out so well. Perhaps Ryan Matthews and Darren Sproles should be getting more touches going forward?

21) St. Louis Rams – Nick Foles needs to improve in every facet of the game. These losses are falling on him not taking care of the football.

22) Baltimore Ravens – “The Ravens and Harbaugh are sweethearts.” – Jonathan Kraft

23) Detroit Lions – Fat Face has either really regressed or is hurt more than we know. The Lions looked terrible at home against Denver.

24) Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville returned to being Jacksonville after kickoff on Sunday.

25) Cleveland Browns – I’m still perplexed why Johnny Manziel isn’t playing over Josh McCown?

26) Houston Texans – I’m happy for Houston to get their first win. Granted it was over King Crab and the Bucs, but a win is a win. The AFC South could be the worst division in football.

27) Tennessee Titans – If the Titans had an ounce of experience, they send the Colts to 0-3.

28) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs need to get the ball into the hands of their playmakers. The offense is as vanilla as I’ve seen in a long time. It resembles a preseason offense.

29) Washington Redskins – The Redskins may jump into the tankapalooza pool shortly.

30) San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head threw four interceptions and had nine completions. Tough times in San Francisco.

31) New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees better get his shoulder fixed, and quickly.

32) Chicago Bears – It is a fire sale in Chicago.

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