NFL Week Five Power Rankings

It was the bye week here in New England, and a few things became crystal clear that were a bit hazy previously. The gap in the AFC East was supposed to be closed and the division was going to be competitive again. Sadly, the gap now resembles a washed up porn star waiting to be “back on top again”, no pun intended. The Dolphins fired their coach, the Bills have committed half a billion penalties and jumped back into the mediocre pool, and the jury is still out on the Jets. It is a week into October, but they are still 3-1. Time will tell how this will all shake out, but the AFC East could be clinched by Thanksgiving again. Another mind blowing situation over the weekend was the lack of quality in kicking, punting, or special teams in general. People want to crucify Papa Bill on franchising his kicker, and then giving him “crazy money”. Our squad has had two kickers in two decades. And both of them have nuts of steel. The Scorched Earth tour continues this weekend against Plastic Face’s Reverse Cowgirls and then off to the league mandated pharmacists’ Indianapolis Colts. I won’t look past Dallas, but I’ve had 10/18 circled on my calendar since the schedule came out this spring.

1) New England Patriots – Even Brady’s kid is setting new fashion trends. Did you see the photos from his sister’s wedding?

TB12 still on top, unless Super G wants to take control.
TB12 still on top, unless Super G wants to take control.

2) Green Bay Packers – The Denim King is playing at an MVP type level, but what was more surprising is how well his defense played on the road.

3) Denver Broncos – 75% of The Forehead’s passes look like they are going to be picked off. Regardless, the Broncos are 4-0.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals still don’t have me buying what they are selling. However, they have my interest.

5) Atlanta Falcons – Overrated. The Falcons have beaten up on teams that have either been decimated by injury or just terrible to begin with.

6) Carolina Panthers – Carolina is on the same overrated train with the Falcons. One of them will have to win the piss poor NFC South.

7) Arizona Cardinals – Well so much for Arizona being the most complete team in the conference. The defense got lambasted by Nick F’ing Foles.

8) Seattle Seahawks – The offensive line better improve in Seattle, or Mr. Ciara is going to be carried out on a stretcher.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Amy Schumer’s twin brother has to beat Tom Brady on two weeks rest. Good luck.

10) New Jersey Jets – I give credit where credit is due. The Jets won a big bounce back game across the pond in London. Granted it was against a team that just fired its coach. But they are 3-1.

11) San Diego Chargers – We are four weeks into the season and have seen Good Phillip and Bad Phillip twice. Do the math.

12) Buffalo Bills – A loud mouth coach, a team that commits a billion and one penalties, and a defensive backfield with zero stones. This is your #BillsMafia

"We will be the most penalized team on the planet." - Rex Ryan
“We will be the most penalized team on the planet.” – Rex Ryan

13) Pittsburgh Steelers – I was in Pittsburgh this past week, and the loyalty and excitement of their fan base puts anything else I’ve seen in my travels to shame. However, that doesn’t win you football games.

14) Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis have squeaked by the Titans and Jaguars in consecutive weeks. 10/8 Colts fans. 10/18.

15) New Jersey Giants – I didn’t give the G-Strings a shot in Orchard Park. Eli went back to being Eli late in the fourth quarter with the bonehead interception, but the Giants look solid.

16) Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs better get their offensive line fixed and in a hurry.

17) St. Louis Rams – St. Louis beats Seattle and Arizona, and will most likely lose to every crap team in the league going forward.

18) Oakland Raiders – Oakland had the Bears on the ropes while looking to win three straight. They have a date with The Forehead on Sunday at home.

19) Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings played a hell of a game in Denver. If Bridgewater had a ¼ of a brain, they most likely win that game.

20) Philadelphia Eagles – My good friend Darren probably had four and a half heart attacks watching that dumpster fire on Sunday.

21) Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore went ahead and used the “illegal formations” the Patriots finger blasted them with in the AFC divisional round. God, do I hate Baltimore.

22) Jacksonville Jaguars – Gus had his shot at taking over first place in the AFC South. His kicker single handedly blew that.

23) Cleveland Browns – Cleveland fans are probably itching for Johnny Manziel to get some playing time. However, McCown played a damn good football game in a loss.

24) New Orleans Saints – A week off may have been what Drew Brees needed. The Saints won a must win game in primetime. However, the run defense is still suspect.

25) Miami Dolphins – Trouble in South Beach.

"I hope you enjoy your practice squad checks."
“I hope you enjoy your practice squad checks.”

26) Chicago Bears – I’m not sure if the Bears were supposed to win that game on Sunday, but hey Foxy got his first win as the Bears head coach.

27) Washington Redskins – The Skins found a way to win on Sunday. However, Chip Kelly made that pretty easy on them.

28) Houston Texans – The Texans got their doors blown off by Matt Ryan. They may be facing the neck beard at home on short rest come Thursday night.

29) Tennessee Titans – It was a bye week for Mr. Personality.

30) Detroit Lions – The Lions were on the short end of the stick in Seattle. Maybe Fat Face can turn it around at home against Arizona this week.

31) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I said Winston was going to be brutal, and he has been every bit of it since his first snap.

32) San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco is slowing melting back into that puddle of mess they were before Harbaugh came long.

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