2015 Preseason NFL Power Rankings

It is crazy to believe we are ten days away from the start of another NFL season.  With so many story lines completely unrelated to football, I’m not giving any of them one syllable of press.  Will we see our first repeat Super Bowl champions since the Patriots did it over a decade ago?  Will Aaron Rodgers get his second ring?  Will Big Ben and Elijah get their third?  Is this Peyton Manning’s last year under center?  These are just a few of the burning questions facing the 2015 NFL season.  Let’s kick off the 2015 season and take a look at our first weekly power rankings.

 

  1. Seattle Seahawks – I believe Kam Chancellor will be back in time for the season opener. Ciara’s Bitch (Russell Wilson for all you newcomers) got a new toy in Ginger Graham (Jimmy Graham) and the Seahawks defense is still the best in the league.
  2. Green Bay Packers – The Denim King (Aaron Rodgers) may have lost Jordy Nelson, but he still has The Demon (Randall Cobb) and Davante Adams at his disposal. The Packers literally gave the NFC Championship game away to Seattle last season.  They win that game, they beat New England in the Super Bowl.
  3. New England Patriots – Tom Brady’s suspension is still looming and the Patriots have health concerns at WR and OL. They lost three of their starting CBs from last season to free agency, and depth is another issue as well.  Anytime you have BB and TB12, you have a fighter’s chance.  However, how long can they keep this train going?
  4. Indianapolis Colts – The Neck Beard (Andrew Luck) has a freight train in the backfield now in Frank Gore and another weapon to throw to with Andre Johnson. Did this defense get tough enough to win come January?  Is their rat bastard owner going to keep his nose clean or get caught driving a mobile pharmacy again down Route 66 in Indy?
  5. Denver Broncos – Remember how John Elway went out when it was his time? I see the same thing happening for The Forehead (Manning) this year in Denver.  The defense is healthy and vastly underrated.  Kubiak is going to keep the pressure off Peyton having to drop back 50 times a game with a more balanced attack.
  6. Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer has all of his extremities intact which is good news for fans of the red birds. Patrick Peterson and the Honey Badger will police the back end of a ferocious defense that didn’t lose their second game into mid-November last season.
  7. Kansas City Chiefs – We all know the story about Kansas City not throwing a touchdown to a WR all of last season. Jeremy Maclin coming on board changes all of that and changes it big time. Travis Kelce will have double digit touchdown grabs as well.
  8. Philadelphia Eagles – Sam Bradford, Mark Sanchez, and Tim Tebow. God, I love seeing those names scroll across the ticker on the four letter network.  Chip will keep teams on their toes with the up tempo offense lead by Bradford and newcomer Demarco Murray.  Can the defense hold up their end of the bargain?  Time will tell.
  9. Dallas Cowboys – Locking up Dez Bryant was the best move for all parties involved. Jerry Jones is still the biggest puppet Roger Goodell has in his toy box, but I like the draft and FA moves he made in the offseason.  Can Tony Underwood/Simpson (Tony Romo) finally break through and win the big game?
  10. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers have a scary offense on paper. Regardless if Martevius Bryant decided to eat a few adderalls a few weeks ago, Pittsburgh is going to be solid.  Can the defense survive the switch from years of Dick Lebeau calling the shots?
  11. Baltimore Ravens – No set of twins, besides the Olson twins, piss me off more than the Harbaugh brothers. My feelings were validated Saturday night when he was ready to throw down with Jay Gruden.
  12. New Orleans Saints – The Saints may be ranked a little high here, but Bruce Allen and Rob Ryan working together is going to improve their team drastically. Brandon Cooks is going to be a fantasy monster this year.
  13. Miami Dolphins – Miami is going to win some games this year. Even though the coach is a doppelganger for Mr. Dobeck in Stepbrothers, the Fish are going to be a respectable team.
  14. Houston Texans – Captain America (JJ Watt), Jadaveon Clowney, and Big Vince is a scary defensive front. Can the offense put up enough points to keep the Texans competitive this year?  It will rest of the shoulders of former TB12 backup, Brian Hoyer.
  15. Detroit Lions – Fat Face (Matthew Stafford) needs to take care of the football. Plain and simple.  The loss of Suh is not going to be offset by gaining Ngata.  Stop fooling yourselves Lions fans.
  16. Cincinnatti Bengals – The Ginger (Andy Dalton) is 0-4 I believe now in the postseason. What does that get you?  Let’s say around $100MM.  Ladies and gentlemen, meet your 2015 Cincinnatti Bengals.
  17. San Diego Chargers – Antonio Gates was another “party boy” over the summer. These guys are just crushing vodka sodas and popping adderall in the offseason.  The Bolts just aren’t good enough on the defensive line to stop a mostly run first AFC west.
  18. New Jersey Giants – Eli Manning wants to be referred to as Elijah now. That and OBJ was on the Madden cover.  That is all you need to know about the Giants this year.
  19. Buffalo Bills – Rex went with Tyrod Taylor as his starting quarterback, because he is tough to defend. Rex, let me break it down for you here bud….  That is what decent quarterbacks are, tough to defend.
  20. Chicago Bears – New coach, same puss face quarterback.
  21. Atlanta Falcons – Many people are high on the Falcons this year, I for one am not. I don’t think they are decent enough on the defensive side of the ball and were pretty soft for the most part last season.
  22. Minnesota Vikings – Teddy Bridgewater wants to complete seventy percent of his passes this year? If he does that, the Vikings will be playing meaningful football in December.  Can AP make it back to his 2013 self?  Will the defense take another step forward as they did in 2014?
  23. Louis Rams – The Rams are another team many are high on this season. They have major questions at running back and Nick Foles may have been a product of the Chip Kelly system.  We’ll find out in a few weeks.
  24. New Jersey Jets – Todd Bowles just doesn’t strike me as motivational head coach. With the cast of characters and divas he has in that locker room, it could get ugly in New Jersey…. Fast.
  25. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton won a brutal NFC South last year by the skin of his teeth. He has no Kelvin Benjamin to throw to and I couldn’t tell you who the number two receiver is.
  26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles has supposedly made strides thus far in camp. The bar wasn’t set too high to begin with.
  27. Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football has some elbow issues while Josh Gordon is in Jamaica somewhere enjoying the fruits of the “earth”. They are a mess at RB and have even uglier jerseys than last season.
  28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – King Crab looks like a rookie so far into his preseason campaign. Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson may make things interesting for the Bucs, but they are still a few years out.
  29. San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head (Colin Kaepernick) lost his head coach and ¾ of his team to retirement or other injuries. It is going to be a long season in the Bay Area.
  30. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota has looked the best out of any rookie quarterbacks so far this preseason. I’m eating crow thus far when I said he would be a bust.  He takes on King Crab (Winston) in week one to open the season.
  31. Oakland Raiders – The Raiders are still a year or two away from being a playoff contender. However, Derek Carr threw over 20 TDs and started all 16 games last season.  Amari Cooper is no slouch either.
  32. Washington Redskins – Can’t decide on the name of the team, building a new stadium, and who their starting quarterback is going to be. That is par for the course for the Redskins.

Feel free to follow on Twitter @mikeprocopio or email at mike.procopio@gmail.com

 

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