There is no secret sauce when it comes to winning football games in the NFL. A solid quarterback, a coach who halfway knows what he is doing, and players that don’t puke on themselves when the situation is at its biggest. I’m completely astounded by the dysfunction I witness on a weekly basis around the league. Whether it is keeping your emotions in check, protecting the football, or just basic clock management, you’ll see teams that resemble the Little Giants more than a professional football team. Thankfully, I’m from New England and we aren’t susceptible to such idiocrasy. Somehow, we make teams outthink themselves and completely unravel during the biggest moments. Todd Bowles decided to NOT call timeout when the clock was running with New England deep in their territory, blitzed everyone in the Tri-State area but Hillary Clinton, and leave Gronk uncovered for the game winning touchdown. It was a ho hum, keep it moving, one step closer to hat & t-shirt day for the Patriots. Next up, we have the Southeast Sashimi on short rest.
1) New England Patriots – Tom Brady told everyone he barely washes his jeans. So, that new bottle of laundry detergent I got is getting dumped down the drain immediately.
2) Green Bay Packers – Coming off a Bye week.
3) Cincinnati Bengals – Coming off a Bye week.
4) Carolina Panthers – The Panthers are for real it seems, and Sage Rosenfels doesn’t like Cam Newton. I feel your pain Sage.
5) Denver Broncos – Coming off a Bye week.
6) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona SHOULD have blown the doors off of a struggling Baltimore team, but didn’t.
7) New Jersey Jets – Brandon Marshall had a chance to make Sunday’s game a lot more interesting, and I hope Phil Simms and Boomer emasculate him on Inside the NFL this week.
8) Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta’s defense won them a game in Music City. They beat the Selfie King, so measure that how you will.
9) New Jersey Giants – If the Giants can get any sort of running game going, they are going to be tough to beat come January. Their defense is starting to really come together.
10) Seattle Seahawks – Has Petey and Russell recovered to what Malcom Butler did to them in February? I am not too sure they have.
11) Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota is winning football games without Adrian Peterson playing like Adrian Peterson. They should be a playoff team when the time comes.
12) Miami Dolphins – OK Sashimi, we’ll see if you are for real come Thursday in Foxboro.
13) Philadelphia Eagles – How many times can you run a delayed hand off and throw the ball into the flat? My Lord, are the Eagles painful to watch. I can only imagine how it looks to a Philly fan.
14) Pittsburgh Steelers – It is clear as day the Steelers need Big Ben back to make any kind of noise in the AFC. After the undefeated teams in the conference and the Jets, it is a complete dumpster fire.
15) Oakland Raiders – Don’t look now, the Raiders won a road game! Amari Cooper all but has the AFC ROY on his mantle already.
16) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo lost to Gus Bradley’s Jaguars in London. This was the team that Rex said nobody is going to want to play and he was building a bully. I assume he meant a litter of French bulldogs?
17) San Diego Chargers– Outside of Indianapolis, they may be the most disappointing team in the AFC. Danny Woodhead and Philip Rivers fantasy points won some folks a good chunk of change over the weekend I assume.
18) St. Louis Rams – Todd Gurley may already be the best running back in his conference. I’m a million, billion percent serious.
19) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano was happy how his team played in the 2nd half? My Lord are they delusional. For the record, I think me calling Irsay a drug addict was why he blocked me on social media.
20) Dallas Cowboys – Greg Hardy belongs in a jail cell, not on an NFL field.
21) New Orleans Saints – The Saints won a game not played under the lights of primetime. Someone sound the alarm. Who Dat Nation!
22) Kansas City Chiefs – Eric Berry should clear some space for Comeback Player of the Year award on his mantle. This dude is an inspiration to all.
23) Cleveland Browns – That Cleveland offense we saw the week before was nowhere to be found. The Browns run defense looks like some sort of Swiss cheese you’d see on a cheap appetizer platter.
24) Chicago Bears – Coming off a Bye week.
25) Washington Redskins – Kirk Cousins made some Fan Duel players very happy campers with the onslaught of offense he threw on the Bucs.
26) Jacksonville Jaguars – I really wish the Jags brought the white trash pools with them over to London. Either way, they left Harry Potter’s homeland with a victory.
27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs defense let them down and Lovie Smith is searching for answers.
28) Detroit Lions – The Lions went back to being the Lions again. Fat Face really didn’t do himself any favors for the millionth time in a row.
29) San Francisco 49ers – The Niners are just about at rock bottom, and need to rebuild from the ground up. It starts with the quarterback.
30) Houston Texans – Someone needs to get Ryan Mallett a functioning alarm clock.
31) Baltimore Ravens – Harbaugh using “deception” and failing at it, makes everything a little sweeter today.
32) Tennessee Titans – It is amazing the Titans are still alive in the race for the putrid AFC South.