2015 NFL Season Predictions

The one common thing about predictions is they miss the mark completely year in and year out. I had the Packers beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl last year, which was two fluke plays away from coming to fruition. Granted Green Bay would to have needed to beat New England, but they had already done so fairly easy earlier in the year. The 2015 season has a ton of unknowns. As of this article being published we don’t know if the Super Bowl MVP is going to be starting under center for the defending champs. Will Tommy be dogging Giselle from his Brookline home when the Patriots take on the Steelers? Can The Forehead’s arm strength that resembles Johnny Damon’s keep Denver in the hunt? Will the Neck Beard limit turnovers in the postseason, and avoid another raping by a Bill Belichick lead defense? Has Russell Wilson finally caved to Ciara’s golden vagina? Chances are probably not. He is such a soft piece of crap, and I’m already sick of the mantra he is shoving down the media’s throats. Buddy, you have one of the hottest pieces of ass on the market, destroy it! I can guarantee someone else on the Seahawks team will be if you are not. How many touchdowns will Captain America score on both sides of the ball for the Texans? He is another one who has some solid Instagram tail begging him to slide into their DMs, but he may be too dumb to notice it? It is prediction time, and I’m sure to catch a ton of crap for 99.9% of what I write, but let’s get crackin…

L is for the way you Look at Me
L is for the way you Look at Me

AFC East
Patriots (11-5)
Dolphins (9-7)
Bills (8-8)
Jets (6-10)
The division is still the Patriots to lose. They won’t be as dominant in the division as they have been in year’s past and will have their first five loss season in recent memory. Losing their starting corner-backs will be a much bigger problem than people are letting on.

Leveon Bell should be the overall #1 Pick in Fantasy Drafts, even with the suspension
Leveon Bell should be the overall #1 Pick in Fantasy Drafts, even with the suspension

AFC North
Ravens (12-4)
Steelers (10-6)
Bengals (9-7)
Browns (5-11)
Baltimore is another team who puked on themselves in the postseason last year, but will be improved in 2015. They addressed the defensive backfield in the off-season and in the draft, so they will be improved there. I may be the biggest Harbaugh hater on the planet, and rightfully so. I’d give anything to see some coach “one-punch” him during the post-game handshake.

Sale on Pills - Aisle 4
Sale on Pills – Aisle 4

AFC South
Colts (12-4)
Texans (9-7)
Titans (6-10)
Jaguars (4-12)
As bad as the AFC East is, the AFC South isn’t much better. The President of League Pharmaceutical Distribution went out and spent some money in the off-season. They got “tougher” if you want to call it that, on the offensive side of the ball. Scoring points wasn’t the problem for Indianapolis last season, it was getting hit in the nuts and thrown in a locker by the Patriots on defense. The Colts are soft, they are the sole reason for “Deflategate” and Jim Irsay loves pills and hookers.

According to me, we will see this twice in 2015.
According to me, we will see this twice in 2015.

AFC West
Broncos (13-3)
Chiefs (11-5)
Chargers (8-8)
Raiders (6-10)
Denver will go back to what won them championships at the end of Elway’s run. CJ Anderson isn’t Terrell Davis, but he, Monte Ball, and Ronnie Hillman will take the load off of The Forehead to win games on his own. The Horses have some studs on defense and can get after the quarterback. Will The Forehead be able to win the cold weather game come January and exercise that demon? I believe so.

Chip Kelly will be assaulted by Riley Cooper by Week 8.  Print it!
Chip Kelly will be assaulted by Riley Cooper by Week 8. Print it!

NFC East
Eagles (12-4)
Cowboys (11-5)
Giants (7-9)
Redskins (4-12)
Chip Kelly is still kicking the tires on Tim Tebow, but he knows Sam Bradford will be his money maker on offense. Can he stay upright and healthy in the fast paced Eagles offense? Will Demarco Murray be over or underutilized? Did the 440 touches last year put too many miles on the tires? Can the defense hold up their end of the bargain? Many questions for a team that I’m picking to win the division.

70% Completion Rate he says?  He must be smoking what Leveon Bell was this offseason.
70% Completion Rate he says? He must be smoking what Leveon Bell was this offseason.

NFC North
Green Bay (13-3)
Detroit (10-6)
Minnesota (8-8)
Chicago (7-9)
Green Bay is the class of the NFC, even losing Jordy Nelson. I love the back end of their defense and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, if he remains healthy, will be an All Pro this year. The guy has a knack for always being around the ball and plays with a physical edge. Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league and will be playing for his second Super Bowl ring come February in San Francisco.

King Crab may have arm strength, but the dude threw 20+ INTs in a weak ACC
King Crab may have arm strength, but the dude threw 20+ INTs in a weak ACC

NFC South
New Orleans (12-4)
Atlanta (10-6)
Carolina (6-10)
Tampa Bay (4-12)
Bounce back year for the Saints this year. They did some serious house cleaning on the field and with positional coaches. I love the Dennis Allen pick up and Brandon Cooks is going to be an absolute monster. Drew Brees will miss his security blanket of Ginger Graham, but has some younger weapons at his disposal. I liken this situation to when Colston, Devery Henderson, Reggie Bush, and others were his primary targets.

Who Has it Better Than You?  EVERYBODY!
Who Has it Better Than You? EVERYBODY!

NFC West
Seattle (12-4)
Arizona (9-7)
St. Louis (8-8)
San Francisco (5-11)
Mr. Ciara talked to God after he threw the interception to Malcolm Butler in the Super Bowl. He also talks to God when he is between the sheets with his girlfriend whom is a hip-hop superstar. Let’s hope, for the sake of Seahawks fans, he leaves that mumbo jumbo at home come opening weekend. Seattle has all of the talent in the world, but a coach who sometimes has his head in the sand with a smoothie cocktail on Venice Beach. The Hawks will be there come January, but will be traveling to Lambeau to face the Packers.

AFC Wild Card Weekend
(4) New England over (5) Kansas City
(3) Baltimore over (6) Pittsburgh
BYE: (1) Denver (2) Indianapolis

AFC Divisional Playoffs
(1) Denver over (4) New England
(3) Baltimore over (2) Indianapolis

AFC Championship
(1) Denver over (3) Baltimore

NFC Wild Card Weekend
(3) New Orleans over (6) Detroit
(4) Philadelphia over (5) Dallas
BYE: (1) Green Bay (2) Seattle

NFC Divisional Playoffs
(1)Green Bay over (4) Philadelphia
(2) Seattle over (3) New Orleans

NFC Championship
(1)Green Bay over (2) Seattle

Super Bowl 50
(1)Denver over (1) Green Bay

Postseason Awards:
MVP: Aaron Rodgers – Packers
Offensive Player of the Year: Calvin Johnson – Lions
Defensive Player of the Year: Justin Houston – Chiefs
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Amari Cooper – Raiders
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Randy Gregory – Cowboys
Comeback Player of the Year: Victor Cruz – Giants
Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy – Packers

Other Postseason Awards and Predictions:
Owner Likely to Overdose Mid-Game: Jim Irsay – Colts
Most Dysfunctional Organization: New Jersey Jets/Washington No-Names
Most Likely to Bang Ciara Before Russell Wilson: Pete Carroll & Marshawn Lynch (Simultaneously)
Over/Under on the Amount of Babies Conceived When TB12 Takes The Field Opening Night: 1,233,393 (All Male Pregnancies)
Who Sings the National Anthem at Super Bowl 50 in San Francisco: The Biebs, if it isn’t him, murder whom is in charge of choosing the artist.
NFL Sex Tape That Gets Released by Mid-Season: Ciara with Marshawn Lynch and Pete Carroll
How many players murder their ACL’s by the end of the season: 95
Coach Likely to Get Challenged to Mortal Kombat by their own players: Chip Kelly
Coach with the season long sinus infection and cold: Bill Belichick, but that is a given. Six Rings has that effect on people.

There you have it. Go throw a million billion on each of these predictions. You’ll thank me later.

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