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AFC, Carolina Panthers, Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, NFC

My Thanks to the 2015 Patriots

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Payton Manning vs Tom Brady (Photo: Forbes.com)
Payton Manning vs Tom Brady (Photo: Forbes.com)

Well, it’s finally settled in now. The Patriots lost a hard fought AFC Championship game in Denver last Sunday. It gives Patriots Nation a chance to look back on the season as a whole and see what helped, or hurt, leading up to the playoff loss.

The first thing that comes to my mind is the choice to rest banged up starters, and play “preventative” offense week 17 in Miami, seriously, if you aren’t going to the big dance, why rest them right? Nah, Bill was setting the team up for their best shot at a repeat SB run. Face it, we are spoiled as fans of the greatest NFL team over the better part of 2 DECADES…. ( yes decades, plural ) that is insane! In a time of parody within the league (trying to move the best to the bottom, and the worst to the top) Belichick has continued to have the Patriots in playoff position almost every year since he started as head coach.

Chew on this for a minute, have you ever noticed as a fan, whenever the Patriots lose, we catch flak from the opposing fanbases? You know why? (That’s right, they expected the Pats to win) That’s what they’ve been doing and what they will continue to do as long as Belichick’s system is run like it has been run. (In case you haven’t heard…. he’s a genius)

Belichick is on to 2016 and so am I, the Superbowl is in a couple weeks, and I don’t really care who wins. My thoughts are that Denver will get embarrassed on the biggest stage once again, but I’m really starting to be rubbed the wrong way by Cam Newton’s antics and attitude, so it wouldn’t bother me if they called the game at 0-0 after 40 over times and declared both teams losers.

Bottom line is I’ll always be a Patriots fan, I was a fan when they couldn’t play their way out of a wet paper bag, and this year’s team played their asses off, overcame most of their injuries and came up short. Hell there’s 28 teams that didn’t do as good as the Patriots did! I WANT TO THANK THE 2015 PATRIOTS  AND THE STAFF FOR A GREAT SEASON!! AND WISHING THEM ALL THE BEST IN 2016!! #GOPATS

AFC, Denver Broncos, New England Patriots

AFC Championship Preview: Brady Vs. Manning XVII

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We just passed the one year anniversary of the NFL trying to railroad the Patriots immediately following the AFC Championship game. This just woke up The Boogie Man, and really pissed him off. Not only did the Patriots send Russell Wilson and the Seahawks to a swift but painful death last February in Phoenix, but they started the year murdering everyone in their path soon after, including the NFL in court. It caused the Brady and the rest of the Patriots organization to begin their ‘Scorched Earth Tour’ against the rest of the NFL and the Dark Lord, Roger Goodell. Through multiple season ending injuries on both sides of the ball, we’re back in the AFC Championship game. They should rename this game to the Patriots versus “Some Grab Ass Team” in the AFC. It has come to that right? Is it only fitting we get to hammer the final nail in the Peyton Manning coffin? Perhaps. I am not a Manning hater, and really never have been. Sure he throws more guys under the bus than most executives. Yes, he had HGH injected probably directly into his forehead. Yes, his playoff record is subpar and he has been emasculated by Belichick and Brady throughout his career. But I respect the way the guy plays the game and he had a hell of a run. He looks old. He reminds me of the guy rocking tube socks and New Balance sneakers in the gym with shorts that go right to mid-thigh or so. He also wears shirts in the pool and that is a known fact. Google it if you don’t believe me. So here we are at Brady vs. Manning XVII. I’ve watched every match up and there have been some heartaches, but more often than not, it ends with a Manning Face and TB12 going into “Psycho Tom” mode. There are two roads which lead to destiny in this one. Number one is Manning making it to the Super Bowl, just like Elway, and winning it all and retiring. The other, and more probable, is Evil Goodell handing Brady the Lombardi Trophy in Santa Clara in just over two weeks.

How Denver Wins: Denver needs to keep Brady off the field and control the clock. CJ Anderson and Ronnie Hillman gashed the Patriots run defense late in the game during the week ten match up. However, Donta Hightower left that game with a knee injury and the defense suffered massively. Guys like Thomas, Sanders, and Norwood need to catch the ball and create separation from man coverage. They were able to do that effectively in week ten, especially Sanders who torched the Patriots for close to a buck fifty in receiving. Belichick likes to take what teams do best away, so that will most likely be the running game. He is going to dare Manning to throw the ball deep and outside the numbers. Now Manning’s arm resembles Johnny Damon’s thus far and would most likely be picked off by members of the New England Liberty expansion LFL franchise, but can he dig into the fountain of youth (a.k.a. Mrs. Manning’s weekly HGH deliveries) and start firing darts all over the field? I am in the minority here when I think Manning can muster up enough plays to actually win this game with his arm. The defense also has to play press coverage and not give guys like Edelman and Gronk a free release off the line. This sets up those crossing routes that have murdered teams for years. Can the linebackers line up and cover guys like James White coming out of the backfield? Is Chris Harris’ shoulder being held together by spit and duct tape? In plain English, Denver has to do a lot more than New England does, and hope for a few breaks to win this game. It is a very probable scenario as well.

How New England Wins: The formula here is very simple. They need to stop the run and force Manning into bad throws. His noodle arm isn’t what it used to be, but his decision making this year has been subpar, regardless of the injuries he may or may not have had. You also can’t give Mr. Biceps Ed Hochuli the chance to throw some phantom flag late in the game. We had some brutal PI and holding calls late in the game which killed drives and extended them for Denver in week ten. You’re a fool if you don’t think the NFL and Evil Goodell wants to see Denver and Manning back in the Super Bowl. So the Patriots have to play disciplined football and move the chains on third down. Their third down conversion percentage in the first meeting resembled the drunk guy at the bar hitting on every girl. They just couldn’t’ close. Guys like Edelman and Gronkowski are both going to play huge factors in this game, but I’m a big James White guy this week. I think McDaniels will put him into situations where he can exploit some of the big mouth Denver linebackers in space. Maybe we see JoJo LaFell come back from the dead? He has been off in some alternate universe for a majority of the year. The Patriots just need to play mistake free football and keep the game out of the hands of the referees. Stuff the run, stack the box, and keep the chains moving. Now that may sound like the title to some cheesy porno, but in reality, it is the recipe for victory in Denver.

Who Wins and Why: I picked Denver to win it all in my preseason predictions not knowing how bad Manning would be or how good Brady and the Patriots would be. However, reality kicked in and we saw where the roads have lead both quarterbacks. Brady is playing at an all-time high and Manning was the worst rated quarterback in football. Denver’s defense is far better than New England’s, especially on the back end. Guys like Logan Ryan and Hicks need a repeat performance of what they did in week ten. Edelman and Amendola were both missing in action for the first meeting between these two teams, but so was DeMarcus Ware for Denver. I think the game is a lot closer than most people think, but the Patriots pull it out by four points. I like the Patriots 27-23 in a tight one.

Side Notes: Tom Brady recently opened up his TB12 store for consumers. Not only can you buy the supplements that Tom Brady takes that turns him into the superhuman he is, but you can also purchase all of his TB12 apparel. He just became the richest man in history and many New England citizens just stepped up their style game. But let’s be honest, if Tom Brady told me gasoline was healthy for me, I’d say premium or unleaded with no questions asked. He wants me to wear my clothes inside out, call me Punky Brewster and like it. I’m going to jump into Rob Gronkowski’s Time Machine and see you all on Sunday.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

Patriots Fans: Don’t Hit the Panic Button

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Thirty-one franchises across the league are given a four game preseason to get their teams ready for a four month long grind, consisting of sixteen games a bye week somewhere in the middle. Teams battle across eight divisions looking to win a hat and t-shirt made by some six year old over in Uganda that crowns them champions of their division. Being from New England, hat and t-shirt day is basically an annual holiday. We’ve come to expect that we will see grown men wearing their hats sideways with a t-shirt draped over their shoulder pads, and Matthew Slater chanting his typical “How do we feel, about another AFC East title” when he breaks down the team. There are drastic highs and drastic lows throughout the year for every franchise. Some teams, like the Colts, said winning a week four game against the Titans is the best day of their lives. Yes, this is coming from a coach who was there for his daughters being born, oh and yeah the guy beat something called cancer as well. The Indianapolis Drug Lord, whom has blocked me on all social media, already made the move of the off-season by resigning Pagano AND Grigson until the next decade begins. Can we get a slow golf clap for the Indianapolis franchise?

The moral of the story here is that one franchise is annually gifted a twenty game preseason. They play down at 1 Patriot Place and have successfully secured a first round bye for the millionth year in a row. Football doesn’t start in New England in September. It starts when the playoffs start, and that is all that matters. Am I a bit concerned with the play of this team over the last six weeks? I’d be lying if I didn’t die and had my family start planning funeral arrangements when our hero got his ankles rolled up on by that monster Suh. Remember when Pete said, “Oh No!” when Wilson threw the ball into Butler’s arms on the final play of the Super Bowl? Well that was me hiding under a blanket seeing Brady go down on Sunday. I resembled a child watching a scary movie for the first time. You saw the pain in the post-game press conference as well. Granted he is in Miami, and Tom Brady can wear whatever he wants in Miami, but the guy forgot his belt. Unless that is some new fashion power move that I can’t wrap my brain around, he also had a stiff limp to go along with it, which concerned me. Now, if it means wearing no belt with the shirt tucked in is the way to go, I’m throwing every one of my belts in the trash the second I get home.

But as I’ve said countless times in the past, not all heroes wear capes. It has been well documented Brady has some personal trainer, Alex Guerrero, who has been compared to Mr. Miyagi. Sources have confirmed Brady was seen walking in the locker room yesterday with ZERO limp. Explain this one to me. How does arguably the most violent defender in all of football roll up on you, murders your ankle, and you’re “fresh as lettuce” two days later? If this doesn’t have Alex Guerrero’s finger prints all over it then call me crazy. Maybe Brady loaded up on avocado ice cream? Maybe he didn’t have his “trickle of tomato” that month. Those who have zero clue what I am talking about, Brady swears off fruit because it has too much sugar and tomatoes cause inflammation. Brady’s cheat day consists of a banana. I can’t begin to wrap my head around the Brady family diet, and I don’t want to. It seems like a very scary place.

The play of this team shouldn’t cause much of an alarm compared to prior Super Bowl winners. Each of the last five Super Bowl winners haven’t exactly set the world on fire going into the playoffs. Belichick had his team back to the facility yesterday, while Denver is waiting until Thursday just for meetings. Is there any merit to that? No, but I’ll take Bill’s word over The Werewolf who coaches in Denver. The Patriots will be prepared, a bit more healthy, and ready to roll. Remember the last time someone called them dead? Well I do. It was Trent Dilfer after getting shoved into a locker on Monday Night Football by Kansas City. We came back the following week, against a team we very well may be hosting here next week, and threw a forty spot up on them. Then we head to Denver, if they can get by whomever they have to play in the first round. We all know Manning is starting over the kid from Twilight, and I’d rather murder Peyton again and send him to the grave once and for all. It is going to be a great month of football regardless of which team you root for. Grab yourself a handful of lentils and treat yourself to some avocado ice cream and enjoy the ride.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

Jets Drop the Patriots in OT: Three Takeaways

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Look, if Bill Belichick told me to light myself on fire and play Russian Roulette in the process, the first thing I’d ask if where is the match and who has the revolver? Did I scowl at the notion that he instructed Matthew (AC) Slater to kick off in overtime rather than receive? Absolutely, it is my job to question decisions like that. I love how the four letter network (ESPN) is talking more about Slater’s call than Peyton and his wife being part of some HGH drug cartel. Is Mark Brunell crying yet? Regardless, our boys dropped a close one yesterday. A few things became very apparent in yesterday’s loss to the New Jersey Jets. Before anyone jumps down my throat on this one, they play in New Jersey, not in New York.

Numero Uno – Belichick didn’t trust the Patriots offense. Plain and simple. Our hero spent more time on his back than he did on his honeymoon with Giselle. He was harassed all day and Marcus Cannon resembled a turn-style at times. Sea Bass went down with some sort of ankle injury, and it just snowballed from there. I can’t count how many tackles and offensive linemen this team has blown through, but the count is climbing by the week. You brought back the exiled Chris Harper, Brandon Lafell was virtually a non-factor, and Gronkowski was the only guy Brady really trusted throughout the day. And the running game resembled something you’d see from a Pop Warner team running east to west instead of north to south. Combine that with the defense playing fairly decent in the fourth quarter, Bill rolled the dice and lost.

Second – Malcolm Butler Gets Beat…. A lot. Look, the guy never has to buy another drink in the New England region ever again. He made the biggest play in Super Bowl history and murdered the Seahawks in the process. However, he is CONSTANTLY out of position, struggles against bigger/physical receivers, and really struggles in press coverage. Having said that, he is the best cornerback they have and will be an important cog in the defensive machine come January. He is a young player and he should grow into a top tier cornerback. But let’s not anoint him the next Deion Sanders. He is a glorified James Sanders at this stage of his career, minus the murder of the Seahawks.

Lastly – Winning The Coin Toss Means Squat – I love the kill them, go into halftime, and kill them again trick as much as the next guy. We’ve seen it more times than I can remember from Brady and the Patriots. I still can’t wrap my head around sitting on the ball at the thirty-five yard line with two time outs before the half. Isn’t the point of deferring to get an extra possession to end the half and start the second half with the ball? This is the fourth time, FOURTH, that they have done it this year. I don’t want to hear injuries are a part of this either. You have the best quarterback and best kicker on the planet, whom very rarely let you down. Put some stock in them and let them do what they do best.

But let’s bring things back to reality for a second. The number one seed is still well within reach. Indianapolis went down there and beat them with a guy who has a ponytail. Yes, he has a legit ponytail. I’m hoping Miami crawls into their off season hole by halftime and we can see Jimmy G sling it for a bit to close out the game. Pittsburgh is on the outside looking in and Kansas City all but wrapped up the five seed. More than likely they will be heading to Houston and the Jets will head to play the Bengals or the Broncos. I could care less who ends up where, because if this team gets healthy, Giselle and the other wives should just start booking wine tastings in Napa now for the first week of February.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Fifteen Power Rankings

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Remember when we literally murdered the Texans on national TV back in 2012? They were the self-proclaimed “New Kings of the AFC” and even wore those cool varsity letterman jackets into Foxboro to prove it? That is the date of death that should be carved on the Texan’s tombstone. Houston never recovered from that and probably never will. You and I both saw the owner/founder being shown prior to kick-off last night down on the sidelines. If you think that guy isn’t being kept alive by machines or isn’t an actual marionette, you aren’t living in any semblance of reality. For the fiftieth time in a row, the Patriots threw the Texans into a locker, stole their lunch money, and grabbed their girlfriend’s asses in the process. It could have turned into a good ol’ smut film if Bill wanted it to, but I think he respects the guys who helped him win four Super Bowls on the other side of the field. Even with Goodell controlling the instant replay screw jobs, this game was never really in question. The number one seed is back in grasp and Dunkin Donuts is hemorrhaging money again today due to another Patriots win. They should replicate what Jordan’s furniture did after the Sox won the World Series, and make it a little more difficult to give away free product. #PrayForDunks

1) Carolina Panthers – Regardless of how much the media is throwing Cam Newton into our faces, he is the front runner for league MVP.

2) New England Patriots – The Kill Everybody Tour is back on.

3) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona made that game a lot closer than they had to. However, they are one of the most balanced teams in the league.

4) Denver Broncos – Queue the Peyton/Brock controversy discussions.

5) Green Bay Packers – Who would have thought the running game would be the reason the Packers won a game at home?

6) Cincinnati Bengals – The Ginger has a mangled thumb and AJ McCarron has a Top 5 Wife in the NFL.

7) Seattle Seahawks – Russell Wilson may have bounced back from being murdered at the Super Bowl. It only took him about nine months.

8) Kansas City Chiefs – See my comments on Pittsburgh. These guys are for real.

9) Pittsburgh Steelers – This is the team nobody wants to play come January, myself included.

10) New Jersey Jets – The Jets control their own destiny, and the Damon Waynes voice over guy has them playing great football.

11) Minnesota Vikings – Mike Zimmer outcoached himself on the road. Minnesota is slowly losing control of its season.

12) Oakland Raiders – Khalil Mack may end up killing someone on the field before the season is up. I think he may have decapitated a lineman in Denver already.

13) Buffalo Bills – Good job, good effort Buffalo, stick to making great wings and having an embarrassing fan base.

14) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano should start packing his office up now.

15) Houston Texans – JJ Watt had his worst game since his rookie season. Nothing pleases me more to see the biggest d-bag in the league struggle against a patchwork offensive line.

16) Philadelphia Eagles – If I was Chip Kelly, I’d put that punk McCoy on blast. Football is a business and he got a raw deal. Kelly apologized and called it a day.

17) New Jersey Giants – Eli Manning played like the game actually meant something to him. That could meant trouble for the rest of the NFC East.

18) Washington Redskins – I’d throw a million on the fact Desean Jackson ended up in some Asian massage parlor for a hamstring rub down after the Skins won.

19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – You can’t lose games at home this late in the year, especially teams with a below .500 record.

20) Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan forcing the ball to Julio, no defense, and undisciplined football. This has been the same story for Atlanta since week seven.

21) Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins could be the most underachieving team in the league.

22) St. Louis Rams – Todd Gurley is a freak of nature, but looks very fragile. Even when I was watching him in the NFL Play 60 commercial he looked like he’d snap in half.

23) New Orleans Saints – The Saints are getting production out of a guy from Hofstra and another whom was bagging groceries in the offseason.

24) Jacksonville Jaguars – What really goes on in those pools in Jacksonville? Why don’t they show them more on TV? There is definitely some type of Floridian white-trash orgy happening.

25) Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football would be a prime candidate for the 6,12,18,24 contest.

26) San Francisco 49ers – Has there been a bigger fall from grace over the last twenty four months than the Niners?

27) Dallas Cowboys – Jerry Jones is praying the Browns cut Johnny Football. Also, what happened to the pictures of him with party girls and his pants down?

28) Chicago Bears – Leave it to the Bears to let Washington win their first road game in fifty years.

29) Detroit Lions – Twenty million dollar decoys is just another example of Detroit doing Detroit things.

30) Baltimore Ravens – Deception. I’ll continue to use that word until Baltimore wins another game.

31) Tennessee Titans – Mariota may not leave Foxboro alive next week. I’m not even joking.

32) San Diego Chargers– Think being an NFL quarterback is the best job on the planet? Look at the beating Phillip Rivers took yesterday. Oh, and he has to go home to twenty something kids and a nagging wife whom wants more.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFC, NFL

NFL Week Fourteen Power Rankings

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I took two weeks off from writing the power rankings and coincidentally, it resulted in two Patriots losses. One of them I saw coming, the other, not so much. Brady is still one of the front runners for the league MVP, but the supporting cast around him resemble the zombies of The Walking Dead. Carolina is proving week in and week out they are the class of the league, and 16-0 is only four games away. What an amazing turnaround for a coach who was on the hot seat early in 2014. With only a handful of games left to play this year, it has the makings for a memorable regular season finish. Outside of the number one seed in the NFC, everything is up for grabs.

1) Carolina Panthers – 16-0 is a real possibility for this team.

2) Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer should be considered in the MVP conversation as well.

3) Cincinnati Bengals – Two huge bounce back games for the Bengals, but tougher tests loom ahead.

4) Denver Broncos – Brock resembles the dude from Twilight, but the Broncos are playing lights out defense.

5) New England Patriots – The Patriots need to get pointed in the right direction and stop with the mental mistakes.

6) Green Bay Packers – A Hail Mary finally went in favor of the Packers.

7) Seattle Seahawks – Watch out, the Seahawks are back to playing defense again.

8) Kansas City Chiefs – If the Chiefs stay healthy, they beat whichever division winner they play on wild card weekend.

9) Pittsburgh Steelers – As of today, they are my pick to win the AFC.

10) Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings being the talk of the NFC may have gone to their heads against Seattle.

11) New Jersey Jets – The Jets are winning games that would have been losses under Rex Ryan. They are playing disciplined on both sides of the ball.

12) Buffalo Bills – Rex found a way to puke on himself and pull out some late game heroics for the Bills Mafia.

13) Indianapolis Colts– Indianapolis was brought back down to reality by Pittsburgh.

14) Houston Texans – They may have the biggest d-bag in the league, but their defense is starting to live up to the preseason hype.

15) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay could very well win a wild card in the NFC.

16) Atlanta Falcons – Flushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

17) Oakland Raiders – Amari Cooper may be hurt. He has regressed immensely since earlier in the season.

18) New Jersey Giants – The Giants had their chance to separate themselves in the NFC East. They didn’t.

19) Miami Dolphins – Miami will be a thorn in some teams side come the end of the year. Only if they are playing at home will this come to fruition though. Sadly they play New England week seventeen in Miami.

20) Philadelphia Eagles – Congrats to the Eagles for winning their Super Bowl in week thirteen.

21) Dallas Cowboys – I see a small, tiny sliver of hope in Dallas. Matt Cassell somehow went 11-5 in New England back in 2008. Think about that for a minute.

22) St. Louis Rams – The Rams need a quarterback and help at the safety position immediately.

23) New Orleans Saints – The Saints team isn’t packing it in, but need serious help on defense. I feel like we say that every year about that side of the ball though.

24) Washington Redskins – Sadly, the Redskins are still alive in the NFC East race.

25) San Francisco 49ers – “Hey Gabbert!” – Jon Gruden

26) Chicago Bears – Chicago should be over .500 right now.

27) Detroit Lions – Martha Ford rocking her shades in the owner’s box, being 90 years old is such a power move on her part.

28) Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles and Allen Robinson could very well be the best QB/WR tandem in the NFL right now. If not, they are definitely in the top five.

29) Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore will be healthy in 2016 with a VERY high draft pick.

30) Tennessee Titans – Tennessee is still a few years away from putting it all together. I do like what I see out of the young QB though.

31) San Diego Chargers– Maybe River should stick to impregnating his wife and rocking the bolo tie.

32) Cleveland Browns – Back by popular demand, it is Johnny Football.

AFC, New England Patriots, NFL

NFL Week Twelve Power Rankings

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I, like any good Patriots fan, got a bit irked when they blew the Amendola catch dead with an inadvertent whistle. It most likely cost the Patriots a big play, that may or may not have resulted in a touchdown. But, since we are all in the circle of trust here, we’ve been on the positive side of questionable calls in our day. Sure you can scream to the high heavens that Goodell or ESPN had something to do with it, but Mean Gene is probably the best ref in the business, and he got the call right once it was screwed up. Buffalo beat themselves with poor clock management, undisciplined play, and poor special teams. It is the same old song and dance every week. It won’t be as easy this week, going into Denver with a patch work offense and the only game I’ll pick New England to drop this season. Sorry Patriots fans, it’s a reality.

1) New England Patriots – Big win against a tough defense, that knocked out two more offensive weapons.

2) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton will challenge TB12 for the MVP.

3) Arizona Cardinals – I still think Arizona trips up in the playoffs against either GB or Seattle.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – The Red Rifle is softer than dog poo.

5) Denver Broncos – When we were all expecting Brady vs. Manning XVII, we are getting Brady vs. Osweiler One.

6) Green Bay Packers – Green Bay is back to being Green Bay again.

7) Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota has a way of making things easier on their opponents in crunch time.

8) Seattle Seahawks – Nobody will want to play Seattle come January, just based on the mystique.

9) Pittsburgh Steelers – Coming off a bye week.

10) New Jersey Giants – Coming off a bye week.

11) Kansas City Chiefs – Watch out, the Chiefs are making a run.

12) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano’s team believes in him. I’m not sure how to take that statement.

13) Atlanta Falcons – That is the sound of the Falcons going down the toilet.

14) Oakland Raiders – Amari Cooper had four yards receiving. You may not see that again…. Ever.

15) Houston Texans – JJ Watt is slowly climbing the ranks of biggest DB’s in football. I’m not talking about defensive backs either.

16) New Jersey Jets – The Jets started out so promising and have come back down to reality, and quickly.

17) Buffalo Bills – Undisciplined football and bad clock management continue to be the bane of Rex Ryan’s existence.

18) Miami Dolphins – Well, you let Dallas have a glimmer of hope.

19) Philadelphia Eagles – Chip Kelly should go back to coaching the other birds up in Oregon.

20) St. Louis Rams – Case Keenum looked like Rocky dragging himself off the canvas in his second title fight with Apollo.

21) Dallas Cowboys – I see a small, tiny sliver of hope in Dallas. However, that may go dark when Carolina comes to town on Thanksgiving.

22) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay has double the amount of wins they had all of last year.

23) New Orleans Saints – Coming off a bye week.

24) Chicago Bears – John Fox gifted a win to his previous team on Sunday. You had one job John, one!

25) Jacksonville Jaguars – Can Jacksonville make a late season run at the listless Colts? I highly doubt it.

26) Detroit Lions – Three in a row for the Martha Ford Lions!

27) Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco got hurt, so did Justin Forsett, but that doesn’t matter when you only have three wins.

28) Washington Redskins – Washington proved once again why they will never be contenders in the NFC East.

29) San Francisco 49ers – The Niners gave a valiant effort on the road in Seattle, but that isn’t enough to win football games.

30) Tennessee Titans – Tennessee needs to address the defensive line and running game in the offseason.

31) San Diego Chargers– San Diego can’t get to LA fast enough.

32) Cleveland Browns – Coming off a bye week.

AFC, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC, NFL, Oakland Raiders, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, Washington Redskins

NFL WEEK 11 PICKS

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Obviously, the Jaguars beat the Titans on TNF.

Raiders (0) over LIONS –

The Oakland Raiders need this win more than anything.  They are tied with Kansas City in the AFC South, and they MUST win this game if they want to have a chance to make the playoffs.  Detroit is 4th in their division, so they aren’t really playing for anything, except the win.  While the game is in Detroit, the Raiders have more pressure to win the game, and more heart.  I believe the Oakland Raiders will win the game.

 FALCONS (-6) over Colts

This is a MUST win for both teams. The game is in Atlanta, so the Falcons will have home field advantage.  I had a hard time making this pick, however I do believe the Atlanta Falcons will come out with the win.  First off, Andrew Luck is not expected to play, which will make it much harder for the Colts to win.  Second, I just don’t see the Colts defense stopping the Atlanta offense.  It will be very hard to stop Devonta Freeman, who is playing at his best this year.

EAGLES (-7) over Bucs

This is also another MUST win for both teams if they want to have a shot at making the playoffs.  However, I am picking the Eagles to win this game.  While the Eagles have their issues which I’ll explain in a bit, I just don’t see a Jameis Winston led team being able to pull out the win.  Part of the issue is Tampa Bay’s defense which is not great at all.  The Eagles biggest issue is, Mark Sanchez.  There are obviously more factors, but last week the Eagles played a great first half, then Sam Bradford got hurt of course, and Mark Sanchez subbed in.  Then, in the fourth quarter, when you have to be clutch, Mark Sanchez could not finish the game.  I think this will be a very close game, but the Eagles will be able to pull out the win.  Mark Sanchez will throw at least one interception, and I think the reason why the Eagles will win this game is because of their running game, especially with DeMarco Murray in the backfield.

BEARS (0) over Broncos

With the Bears coming off a HUGE road win against the Rams last week, they will be ready to come out and battle the Broncos at home on Sunday.  It will be a lot harder for the Broncos to win without Peyton Manning, as Brock Osweiler will be the starting quarterback for the Broncos.  However, I am picking the Denver Broncos to win the football game.  Many may disagree, however, in my opinion, I think the Saint Louis Rams made some mistakes which caused the Bears to win the football game.  The Chicago Bears will lose this week to the Broncos as reality will set in.

Rams (+2.5) over RAVENS

This may be a difficult game to pick based on the stat sheet, but it is quite easy for me.  I am picking the Rams to win the game.  The Rams are 2nd in their division and need to come out with the win if they want to have a chance at making the playoffs.  As for the 2-7 Ravens, it would be a good win, but it wouldn’t do much as they have very little chance of making the playoffs.

DOLPHINS (0) over Cowboys

I think the Dallas Cowboys are not mentally tough enough to beat the Dolphins.  Each week the players are getting in fights with the media, firing snarky comments at their opponents, and they just lose.  They are currently on a seven game losing streak.  To make matters worse, they are playing on the road against the Miami Dolphins who are not consistent, but are a much better football team in my opinion.  This is an easy pick.  I pick the Miami Dolphins to win the game.

Redskins (+8.5) over PANTHERS

The Panthers will come out with the win this week.  They are the better football team overall, and Carolina is the home team.  Washington is 0-4 on the road so far this season, so I don’t think they can just come into Carolina and win.  I am picking the Carolina Panthers to win the game.

Chiefs (-3) over CHARGERS

While the Chargers are the home team in this game, I still believe the Chiefs will win.  This is a division game, so lots of things can happen, but the Chiefs NEED to win this game if they have any chance at making the playoffs.  I don’t think it will be a blowout, but Philip Rivers and the Chargers just are not playing well at all this year.  I am picking the Kansas City Chiefs to win this game.

VIKINGS  (0) over Packers

The Packers NEED to win this game, and so do the Vikings, but the Vikings are the home team, and Green Bay is 2-2 on the road this season.  Things in Green Bay just haven’t been clicking these last 3 games, and it is time for them to turn it around.  I think it will be a close game, but in the end Aaron Rodgers will have a great performance, and the Packers will get their much needed win.  This is a very hard pick to make, but in the end I am picking the Green Bay Packers to win the game.

49ers (+13.5) over SEAHAWKS

For this game, Seattle is the home team.  The 49ers are 0-4 on the road this season, and Century Link Field is a very hard stadium to play at.  I believe the Seahawks will pull off the win, especially because Colin Kaepernick has been placed on season ending IR, which will make it very tough for the 49ers.  Seattle’s defense will play a great game, and Seattle’s offense will put up just enough points to pull out the win.  However, it should be close.  I am picking the Seattle Seahawks to win the game.

Jets (-2.5) over TEXANS

While the Texans are the home team, and it will be tough for the Jets to win the game, but they will come through.  The Houston Texans just haven’t shown me enough this year.  They are pretty inconsistent to say the least.  And this isn’t the Rex Ryan coached Jets, this is the 2015 Jets, who have proven to be much better than last year’s squad.  I am picking the New York Jets to win the game.

Bengals (+5) over CARDINALS

This is going to be a tough game.  The Bengals lost to the Texans last week, and now they are going on the road to play the Cardinals.  While the Bengals are a great road team, I just don’t see their defense playing well.  Obviously Arizona has a great defense, with Patrick Peterson at the DB and Tyrann Mathieu at safety.  So, I think Cardinals’ defense will make it tough for the Bengals to score points, and it will be easier for the Cardinals to score on the Bengals defense.  I am picking the Arizona Cardinals to win the game.

PATRIOTS (-8.5) over Bills

Rex Ryan is all hyped up about that win over his former team, the New York Jets.  While the Bills did play a good game and got a good win, Rex Ryan gets all cocky when he wins games.  In week one, after Rex Ryan and the Bills got a good win against the Colts, he started talking smack about the Patriots and how he was going to beat them.  Once again, the Bills won the previous week and Rex Ryan is getting all cocky again.  Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots will shut him up, as they did week 2 on the road in Buffalo.  If that isn’t enough, the Patriots are also the home team.  I do think this will be a close game, but in the end, I am picking the New England Patriots to win the game.

 

 

NFL

NFL Week Eleven Power Rankings

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Sometimes these games feel like they take years off your life. The fact this was a late afternoon game had me so jacked up, sleeping was going to be questionable move. Could you imagine if this were a Sunday night game? Forget it, I’d be awake until Wednesday watching Charlie Moore Outdoors. As much as I want to strip the manhood from every team we face, I want them battle tested for when the games get tighter. You need games like this, on the road, where difficult situations are thrown in front of you constantly. Your best receiver goes down? No worries, Bill cloned another one in Amendola. The linebackers are having a tough time in coverage on the swing pass and drag routes? Oh, just bring Patrick Chung up closer to the line whom you basically stole back from the Eagles to keep them honest. The whole plan and modus operandi of this team is genius. They take what you do best away from you, and then make you rethink what you think you are good at. Essentially a combination of all of this led to putting Coughlin in a coffin (credit to Lauren Cataldo). He is dead, there is no coming back from this. Thoughts and prayers out to the Coughlin family.

1) New England Patriots – Thanks for my ninth free iced-coffee of the year Dunkin Donuts.

2) Carolina Panthers – If Cam Newton and the Panthers are the best the NFC has to offer, clear February 9th, 2016 on your calendar for the parade.

3) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona is for real. They finally have a halfway decent quarterback and the best secondary in football.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – Did Andy Dalton go back to being as soft as Andy from Toy Story?

5) Minnesota Vikings – AP finally played an AP like game. Sadly, the rest of my fantasy team did nothing.

6) Denver Broncos – Manning has a bum foot and the Broncos could be in very big trouble.

7) Green Bay Packers – Ginger Rodgers better get his offense on track, and quickly.

8) Atlanta Falcons – Coming off a bye week.

9) Seattle Seahawks – The Legion of Boom is suddenly playing like the American Legion.

10) Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh still scares me more than any other team in football. BOLD PREDICTION: If it isn’t the Patriots, Big Ben wins his third ring this season.

11) Buffalo Bills – Two in a row for Sexy Rexy. He has a date with a sex God in TB12 on Monday Night Football.

12) Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins finally won a tough game on the road north of our nation’s capital. Could Miami make a late season run?

13) New Jersey Giants – Poor clock management cost the Giants their fourth straight victory over the Patriots.

14) New Jersey Jets – Dougie Fresh needs to find a capable quarterback sometime in the near future.

15) Philadelphia Eagles – SANCHISE!!! Good luck Eagles fans.

16) Oakland Raiders – Oakland lost a very Oakland like game on Sunday. These are the games they need to win to get over the hump.

17) Indianapolis Colts– Coming off a bye week.

18) St. Louis Rams – The Case Keenum era is about to begin in St. Louis.

19) Houston Texans – JJ Watt is such a hardo. I can’t stand anything about him and he has ZERO in common with Tom Brady. That argument starts and ends right there.

20) Kansas City Chiefs – What a huge win for the Chiefs. I say it time and time again, I am damn proud of Eric Berry and the way he has responded.

21) New Orleans Saints – Rob Ryan is either on the unemployment line or in the buffet line.

22) Chicago Bears – Don’t look now, but Chicago is making a little run in the NFC playoff picture.

23) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa and the play of the Crab King is making some waves in the NFC.

24) San Diego Chargers– Coming off a bye week.

25) Washington Redskins – You like that?!?!?

26) Jacksonville Jaguars – You lose to the Jets, but redeem yourselves by ripping out a Harbaugh heart to end the game. I love you Jacksonville.

27) Detroit Lions – Martha Ford may be the next head coach of the Lions.

28) Dallas Cowboys – No glory hole for Jerry this year. Sorry Dallas.

29) San Francisco 49ers – Coming off a bye week.

30) Tennessee Titans – The Titans had the Panthers on the ropes and they reverted back to being the Titans.

31) Baltimore Ravens – Deception continues to kill the Ravens and I love every second of it.

32) Cleveland Browns – Someone has to be the worst team in the land.

NFL

Tom and Bill: Heroes Don’t Always Wear Capes

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I’m not one to get into post-game fashion banter, but let’s start with Bill wearing the power suit. (Most likely from Men’s Warehouse unless Linda sent him down to Newbury for a custom fitting. My money is on the former.) We’re most likely to see the Bill whom uses the three finger hair brush. The one whom still has the red challenge flag hanging out of his tube sock. And the one whom does a mediocre job on cutting the hoodie sleeves with a pair of Fiskars taken from Ernie Adams toy box. Bill brought the suit and tie ‘A’ game in East Rutherford on Sunday, but it didn’t stop there. Again, BB used his Jedi mind tricks on the Giants, Tom Coughlin, and Elijah to completely mismanage the clock in a key moment in the game. This enabled TB12 to do what TB12 has done for the last thirty-eight years of his monumental existence. Would I be surprised to hear that Bill practiced the lateral drill in the special team’s portion of practice after the Miami/Duke debacle a few weeks back? Of course not. He out prepares you. He out thinks you. Somehow, Belichick uses some hallucinogen on every other head coach in the league when it gets down to crunch time. And the effects aren’t short lived. Take a gander into the standings of the last three teams the Patriots emasculated in the playoffs. The Ravens are at the bottom of the barrel in the AFC. The Colts have a quarterback whom is most likely gone until Christmas. Not to mention, I teach boot camp classes at Latitude in Bradford and Methuen to a group of women who could handle the Colts. And, the Seahawks already have more losses this season than the Patriots have in the last three. God is good.

"Bill, why on earth did you take the wind in the Denver game, and play straight goalline against Seattle in the Super Bowl?
“Bill, why on earth did you take the wind in the Denver game, and play straight goalline against Seattle in the Super Bowl?

Speaking of his Holiness, now we turn to our hero. Usually you see some killer suit, tie, and pocket square combo that just makes your head spin. Not even close on Sunday. Not even by a little bit. Tommy completely flipped the postgame presser game on its head coming out in a solid white button down. Did he leave two buttons undone on purpose? Most likely. Such a power move coming from him too. He comes into Giants stadium, against a team whom has given him trouble in recent years, and decides NO DRESS CODE. 4X Super Bowl champions can do things like that, especially ones that are married to Victoria Secret models. Maybe the buttons being undone were a tribute to Jules. It is no secret JE11 and him are tight. Edelman secretly wants to be TB12, and that is OK. Any normal living New England born male is kidding themselves if they don’t feel the same way. Would you take five years off your life to be Tommy for one day? I’d take ten. If it is the difference between of living 92 or 82 years. Sign me up. No questions asked.

"No Dress Code" - TB12
“No Dress Code” – TB12

Sometimes these games feel like they take years off your life. The fact this was a late afternoon game had me so jacked up, sleeping was going to be questionable move. Could you imagine if this were a Sunday night game? Forget it, I’d be awake until Wednesday watching Charlie Moore Outdoors. As much as I want to strip the manhood from every team we face, I want them battle tested for when the games get tighter. You need games like this, on the road, where difficult situations are thrown in front of you constantly. Your best receiver goes down? No worries, Bill cloned another one in Amendola. The linebackers are having a tough time in coverage on the swing pass and drag routes? Oh, just bring Patrick Chung up closer to the line whom you basically stole back from the Eagles to keep them honest. The whole plan and modus operandi of this team is genius. They take what you do best away from you, and then make you rethink what you think you are good at. Essentially a combination of all of this led to putting Coughlin in a coffin (credit to Lauren Cataldo). He is dead, there is no coming back from this. Thoughts and prayers out to the Coughlin family.

The absolute gem and final takeaway of this game is the Commissioner was in attendance. Yes, that lying scumbag was there to witness Bill and Brady rip the hearts of out 70,000 people in their own house. Roger may just be a good luck charm for Brady. He ripped the pants off the Colts in the AFC Championship game. He then proceeded to win his fourth Super Bowl title and third MVP. And most recently threw the Giants in a locker after he took their lunch money late in the fourth quarter. Thanks Goodell. You made us do all of this. Remember that. To top it all off, Brady turned down Michelle Wolfson for the millionth time this year then plays the ‘No Dress Code’ card in the presser. Bill gives a wave to someone up in the stands (we still don’t know who it is to this day, my money is on Ernie Adams) and does a reverse Clark Kent and goes into the power suit for the postgame. The Patriots are 9-0, but that doesn’t get you anything in this league. Unless you’re the Colts, that gets you a 9-7 banner.

Family Goals
Family Goals

One more side note, if you feel the need to get jacked up and run through a wall pregame next week against the Bills when ESPN is in town, give this a listen from my barber. Completely kills it and rips the NFL’s face off.

Patriots – Hate Us Now Anthem