Patriots Fans: Don’t Hit the Panic Button

Thirty-one franchises across the league are given a four game preseason to get their teams ready for a four month long grind, consisting of sixteen games a bye week somewhere in the middle. Teams battle across eight divisions looking to win a hat and t-shirt made by some six year old over in Uganda that crowns them champions of their division. Being from New England, hat and t-shirt day is basically an annual holiday. We’ve come to expect that we will see grown men wearing their hats sideways with a t-shirt draped over their shoulder pads, and Matthew Slater chanting his typical “How do we feel, about another AFC East title” when he breaks down the team. There are drastic highs and drastic lows throughout the year for every franchise. Some teams, like the Colts, said winning a week four game against the Titans is the best day of their lives. Yes, this is coming from a coach who was there for his daughters being born, oh and yeah the guy beat something called cancer as well. The Indianapolis Drug Lord, whom has blocked me on all social media, already made the move of the off-season by resigning Pagano AND Grigson until the next decade begins. Can we get a slow golf clap for the Indianapolis franchise?

The moral of the story here is that one franchise is annually gifted a twenty game preseason. They play down at 1 Patriot Place and have successfully secured a first round bye for the millionth year in a row. Football doesn’t start in New England in September. It starts when the playoffs start, and that is all that matters. Am I a bit concerned with the play of this team over the last six weeks? I’d be lying if I didn’t die and had my family start planning funeral arrangements when our hero got his ankles rolled up on by that monster Suh. Remember when Pete said, “Oh No!” when Wilson threw the ball into Butler’s arms on the final play of the Super Bowl? Well that was me hiding under a blanket seeing Brady go down on Sunday. I resembled a child watching a scary movie for the first time. You saw the pain in the post-game press conference as well. Granted he is in Miami, and Tom Brady can wear whatever he wants in Miami, but the guy forgot his belt. Unless that is some new fashion power move that I can’t wrap my brain around, he also had a stiff limp to go along with it, which concerned me. Now, if it means wearing no belt with the shirt tucked in is the way to go, I’m throwing every one of my belts in the trash the second I get home.

But as I’ve said countless times in the past, not all heroes wear capes. It has been well documented Brady has some personal trainer, Alex Guerrero, who has been compared to Mr. Miyagi. Sources have confirmed Brady was seen walking in the locker room yesterday with ZERO limp. Explain this one to me. How does arguably the most violent defender in all of football roll up on you, murders your ankle, and you’re “fresh as lettuce” two days later? If this doesn’t have Alex Guerrero’s finger prints all over it then call me crazy. Maybe Brady loaded up on avocado ice cream? Maybe he didn’t have his “trickle of tomato” that month. Those who have zero clue what I am talking about, Brady swears off fruit because it has too much sugar and tomatoes cause inflammation. Brady’s cheat day consists of a banana. I can’t begin to wrap my head around the Brady family diet, and I don’t want to. It seems like a very scary place.

The play of this team shouldn’t cause much of an alarm compared to prior Super Bowl winners. Each of the last five Super Bowl winners haven’t exactly set the world on fire going into the playoffs. Belichick had his team back to the facility yesterday, while Denver is waiting until Thursday just for meetings. Is there any merit to that? No, but I’ll take Bill’s word over The Werewolf who coaches in Denver. The Patriots will be prepared, a bit more healthy, and ready to roll. Remember the last time someone called them dead? Well I do. It was Trent Dilfer after getting shoved into a locker on Monday Night Football by Kansas City. We came back the following week, against a team we very well may be hosting here next week, and threw a forty spot up on them. Then we head to Denver, if they can get by whomever they have to play in the first round. We all know Manning is starting over the kid from Twilight, and I’d rather murder Peyton again and send him to the grave once and for all. It is going to be a great month of football regardless of which team you root for. Grab yourself a handful of lentils and treat yourself to some avocado ice cream and enjoy the ride.

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