Remember when we literally murdered the Texans on national TV back in 2012? They were the self-proclaimed “New Kings of the AFC” and even wore those cool varsity letterman jackets into Foxboro to prove it? That is the date of death that should be carved on the Texan’s tombstone. Houston never recovered from that and probably never will. You and I both saw the owner/founder being shown prior to kick-off last night down on the sidelines. If you think that guy isn’t being kept alive by machines or isn’t an actual marionette, you aren’t living in any semblance of reality. For the fiftieth time in a row, the Patriots threw the Texans into a locker, stole their lunch money, and grabbed their girlfriend’s asses in the process. It could have turned into a good ol’ smut film if Bill wanted it to, but I think he respects the guys who helped him win four Super Bowls on the other side of the field. Even with Goodell controlling the instant replay screw jobs, this game was never really in question. The number one seed is back in grasp and Dunkin Donuts is hemorrhaging money again today due to another Patriots win. They should replicate what Jordan’s furniture did after the Sox won the World Series, and make it a little more difficult to give away free product. #PrayForDunks
1) Carolina Panthers – Regardless of how much the media is throwing Cam Newton into our faces, he is the front runner for league MVP.
2) New England Patriots – The Kill Everybody Tour is back on.
3) Arizona Cardinals – Arizona made that game a lot closer than they had to. However, they are one of the most balanced teams in the league.
4) Denver Broncos – Queue the Peyton/Brock controversy discussions.
5) Green Bay Packers – Who would have thought the running game would be the reason the Packers won a game at home?
6) Cincinnati Bengals – The Ginger has a mangled thumb and AJ McCarron has a Top 5 Wife in the NFL.
7) Seattle Seahawks – Russell Wilson may have bounced back from being murdered at the Super Bowl. It only took him about nine months.
8) Kansas City Chiefs – See my comments on Pittsburgh. These guys are for real.
9) Pittsburgh Steelers – This is the team nobody wants to play come January, myself included.
10) New Jersey Jets – The Jets control their own destiny, and the Damon Waynes voice over guy has them playing great football.
11) Minnesota Vikings – Mike Zimmer outcoached himself on the road. Minnesota is slowly losing control of its season.
12) Oakland Raiders – Khalil Mack may end up killing someone on the field before the season is up. I think he may have decapitated a lineman in Denver already.
13) Buffalo Bills – Good job, good effort Buffalo, stick to making great wings and having an embarrassing fan base.
14) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano should start packing his office up now.
15) Houston Texans – JJ Watt had his worst game since his rookie season. Nothing pleases me more to see the biggest d-bag in the league struggle against a patchwork offensive line.
16) Philadelphia Eagles – If I was Chip Kelly, I’d put that punk McCoy on blast. Football is a business and he got a raw deal. Kelly apologized and called it a day.
17) New Jersey Giants – Eli Manning played like the game actually meant something to him. That could meant trouble for the rest of the NFC East.
18) Washington Redskins – I’d throw a million on the fact Desean Jackson ended up in some Asian massage parlor for a hamstring rub down after the Skins won.
19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – You can’t lose games at home this late in the year, especially teams with a below .500 record.
20) Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan forcing the ball to Julio, no defense, and undisciplined football. This has been the same story for Atlanta since week seven.
21) Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins could be the most underachieving team in the league.
22) St. Louis Rams – Todd Gurley is a freak of nature, but looks very fragile. Even when I was watching him in the NFL Play 60 commercial he looked like he’d snap in half.
23) New Orleans Saints – The Saints are getting production out of a guy from Hofstra and another whom was bagging groceries in the offseason.
24) Jacksonville Jaguars – What really goes on in those pools in Jacksonville? Why don’t they show them more on TV? There is definitely some type of Floridian white-trash orgy happening.
25) Cleveland Browns – Johnny Football would be a prime candidate for the 6,12,18,24 contest.
26) San Francisco 49ers – Has there been a bigger fall from grace over the last twenty four months than the Niners?
27) Dallas Cowboys – Jerry Jones is praying the Browns cut Johnny Football. Also, what happened to the pictures of him with party girls and his pants down?
28) Chicago Bears – Leave it to the Bears to let Washington win their first road game in fifty years.
29) Detroit Lions – Twenty million dollar decoys is just another example of Detroit doing Detroit things.
30) Baltimore Ravens – Deception. I’ll continue to use that word until Baltimore wins another game.
31) Tennessee Titans – Mariota may not leave Foxboro alive next week. I’m not even joking.
32) San Diego Chargers– Think being an NFL quarterback is the best job on the planet? Look at the beating Phillip Rivers took yesterday. Oh, and he has to go home to twenty something kids and a nagging wife whom wants more.