NFL Week Sixteen Power Rankings

One of the greatest movies of all time is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Russ turns out to be Leonard from The Big Bang Theory, while Ellen Griswold owned 1989 with the Farrah Fawcett look and most likely gave Chevy Chase the business daily in the actors trailer. The scene with Clark Griswold hitting on the smoke behind the underwear counter never gets old, and the “kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass” part gets me every time. Another thing that doesn’t get old is securing first round byes before Santa squeezes his fat ass down the chimney, and making sure the road to the Super Bowl comes through Foxboro. This was the type of game you throw money on just to keep it interesting. The Titans were shoved into a locker from the opening snap, and the contest was never really in question. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure why we even play these games anymore. This coming weekend, the Patriots head to New Jersey to play the Jets. I’d love to wrap up home field Sunday, but I’d rather come out of it healthy more than anything. Winning isn’t priority number one to me on Sunday. Regardless of how much better our hero is than anyone else on the planet, you can only overcome so many injuries. This is our final rankings of the season, so a big thank you to all who read throughout the year or wished ill will upon me and my family. I love you all! My next venture just started this past weekend with the New England Liberty of the Legends Football League. Odds are they win each game by a million and steal the other team’s lunch money while doing it.

1) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton is the media’s MVP pick. I get it, trust me. However, look at his stats compared to every other QB in the discussion. Outside of his rushing touchdowns, he isn’t atop any of them.

2) New England Patriots – Forget football, did you see the Brady family Christmas tree? It had the perfect shape, dead on balls accurate ratio of lights to ornaments, and a tree skirt probably is the shroud of Turin. I don’t even want to begin to think of what actually goes under the tree from Santa. There are toys under that thing people don’t even dare speak about. On a side note, what do you think Tommy buys Super G each year? Does he go basic white dad? No chance in hell. Regardless, we are all just waiting with baited breath for the Happy New Year Facebook post from the Brady family. It is like that Christmas card you can’t wait to get each year. Guaranteed to have melt your face off kind of heat coming from TB12 this holiday season. #FamilyGoals

3) Arizona Cardinals – Losing The Honey Badger for the year is a massive blow to the Birds. Do you still trust Carson Palmer in the playoffs? I don’t, only because he is 1/8 of a ginger.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – The quarterback with the top 5 wife in the NFL better play top 5 football in Denver this week. Do yourself a favor and Google AJ McCarron’s wife. You’re welcome.

5) Seattle Seahawks – Pete was standing on top of a locker after his team’s win. I’m sorry Pete, that won’t bring you back from the dead. I saw you die in Arizona once Malcolm Butler picked off that pass.

6) Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers and Randall Cobb definitely hit up the best circuit club in Oakland after their win. He has no idea what to do with a woman like Olivia Munn.

7) Denver Broncos – Denver could very well miss out on the playoffs with two straight losses. I’d give anything to see John Elway’s head explode during week seventeen.

8) Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs have a shot to win the AFC West. They need Justin Houston back to make any noise in the playoffs though. Justin Houston is the doppelganger of Ecko from Lost.

9) Pittsburgh Steelers – Antonio Brown has legit antennas carved into his haircut.

10) New Jersey Jets – Want me to believe in the Jets? Go beat Tommy this weekend in New Jersey.

11) Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota better hope AP just has a mild ankle sprain. Their season and life depends on the stability of the Switch King.

12) Oakland Raiders – Oakland could very well be playing their final game at home on Christmas Eve.

13) Houston Texans – Houston is going to be a playoff team. Their starting quarterback could very well be the Amy Schumer lookalike.

14) Washington Redskins – You like that?!?!

15) Atlanta Falcons – Not many folks picked the Falcons on Sunday, this game basically wrapped up the Voodoo Brown Office Pool title for me.

16) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo is a train wreck in every sense of the word.

17) Indianapolis Colts– Chuck Pagano should start packing his office up now.

18) Philadelphia Eagles – The sooner Philadelphia moves to a 4-3 defense, the sooner they can get out of their own way.

19) New Jersey Giants – OBJ said he was afraid the Panthers were carrying black bats around the field in pregame. Did they think they were going to Tonya Harding him?

20) St. Louis Rams – The Rams may be the biggest enigma on the planet. I can’t figure them out for the life of me.

21) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay is back to doing Tampa Bay things.

22) Miami Dolphins – Miami should stick to strip clubs and plastic surgery.

23) Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford may be improving, but the offensive line better get better before 2016. He is another one with a Top 5 NFL significant other.

24) New Orleans Saints – The Saints should shut down Drew Brees for the season. His ankle is toast and watching his defense resembles seven on seven drills.

25) Chicago Bears – Matt Forte should be getting the ball far more than he is. John Fox resorted back to being John Fox again.

26) San Diego Chargers– You have to respect Phillip Rivers’ passion for the game. You also have to respect he has twenty seven children.

27) Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m still waiting for someone to tell me their best Jacksonville pool suite story. Free t-shirt to the person who does.

28) Cleveland Browns – The record may not show it, but the Browns are still playing inspired football.

29) Dallas Cowboys – Dallas’ season is officially OVER. It is time for Jerry to go get another nip and tuck.

30) San Francisco 49ers – If you lose to AJ McCarron at home, it is safe to say things aren’t going well.

31) Baltimore Ravens – Murdered, AFC Divisional Round 2015.

32) Tennessee Titans – I was close about Mariota not leaving Foxboro alive. Chances are he is shut down for the season.

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