I’ve had some pretty dog-shit days in my thirty four years on this planet. ‘The Helmet Catch, Belichick not going for a long field goal, and Asante Samuel forgetting how to catch a football’ all jumped into a safe for TV orgy, on the most expensive set on earth, and were the ingredients for arguably the worst day of my adult life. I’ll never forget seeing Ellis Hobbs, whom may be the worst defensive back outside of Deltha O’Neil, getting absolutely toasted by a guy who went on to shoot himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub a few months later. Perfection was lost. Mercury Morris can go back to hookers and cocaine. While Don Shula could continue being the “Mean Uncle” yelling at the Patriots from his wheelchair in one of his many steakhouses in South Florida.
Fast forward a half decade or so later. We’re in the NFL League Mandated Pharmacist’s stadium in Indianapolis. With a few hiccups to the Ravens and Jets along the way, the Patriots are still bullying around the rest of the league and remain the cream of the crop in the AFC. Nothing much has changed in Foxboro with Bill and Tom ripping team’s throats out and laughing the entire time. That is a given here and it is the expectation of Mr. Kraft and the rest of the organization. A miraculous catch by another guy who is out of the league a few years later, Gronk having an ankle with the stability of a bag of dried Barilla pasta, and Scrambled Eggs for Brains Welker dropping the laser from our hero late in the game, adds up another Super Bowl loss for our boys, and one that still stings to this day. The team was flawed on the defensive side of the ball, so the better team won that day. The Giants were loaded on offense, regardless of what Stephen A. Smith says.
After that game the Giants went back to mediocrity or even worse. I believe they haven’t even made the playoffs since then, and the Patriots have been to the AFC title game each year and won a Super Bowl. Again, this is common practice here in New England, but the folks in New Jersey still talk about 18-1 and how Eli has beaten Tom the last three times they have played. Sadly, this is true about Eli and Tom. Folks seem to forget the Giants are the only team in recent memory that has come into Foxboro and beat up on the Patriots in the regular season. I remember the game vividly, they were pushed around on the line of scrimmage and I believe it was Kevin Boss who made the linebackers look like jokers in that game. New England hasn’t beaten the Giants since 2008. Brady is zero for his last three against the Eli and the Giants. So what does this all have to do with Sunday? Usually not too much, but we are dealing with a cyborg in Tom Brady this year. He is some hybrid of The Terminator, Henry from Rookie of the Year with the arm strength, Usain Bolt with his new found speed, and Rocky Balboa with toughness, drive and desire to win more than ever. I’m sending my thoughts and prayers to the fans of the New Jersey Giants now.
Here are ten random reasons why the Patriots should emasculate the Giants on Sunday.
1) The Giants are the 32nd ranked defense in football. Yes, that means dead last for all of you mathematicians. Look what Brady has done to the top ranked defenses in recent memory. He may break the scoreboard on Sunday like the Monstars did in Space Jam.
2) Shane Vereen is playing for the Giants now, and good for him that he got paid. Bill usually has a habit of making guys who leave the team look like fools when they face each other the following season. Mangini went and became the league tattletale once we went up by 100 in the season opener against the Jets. Imagine what he would do to Brandon Browner if the Patriots played the Saints? Just think back of what Gronkowski did to Sergio Brown last year in Indianapolis? Sergio’s memory will live on through piss poor defensive play by the Colts.
3) Brady had an apartment in NY that he didn’t even know the address to. That is such a power move that you can’t even remember your own address.
4) I bought a new pair of Uggs because I saw Brady rocking them on a billboard on Route 95. Whether it is the “5” t-shirt, the light jacket tied around the waist, the nose kiss, Uggs, trench coat, it doesn’t matter. Even his kid with the no collar button down at TB12’s sister’s wedding was such a fashion statement my head exploded. Don’t even get me started on the crushed velvet suit.
5) Jamie Collins and Donta Hightower are both over whatever mysterious “illness” they both had last week. I think Ryan Wendell got shelved for the year based on “illness” is that correct?
6) Stephen A. Smith continues to back Eli Manning and put him in the same class as Brady. Stephen A (whom is named after a strictly …) actually I’m not even opening up that door because I know where it goes. He said that Eli makes the throws that Brady doesn’t. Yeah, no shit, pick sixes and ones directly into defenders hands when the lights are brightest. I’m sick of the Eli apologists. His defense and two miraculous catches won those Super Bowls, plain and simple.
7) The NFL League Offices are in New York City. New York City is basically viewable from the Meadowlands. Odds are when the bus pulls up in that cesspool of a town called New Brunswick, Brady takes a gander across and sees the NY skyline. He mutters a few MF’rs under his breath and gets to work. If you don’t think that single sight ignites the fire in the Brady Loins, you’re not from this planet.
8) Bill knows the Giants better than the Giants know themselves. Sure, he has been gone for close to two decades, but he still has attachments to the organization. He already has Ernie Adam’s playroom set up to keep him occupied directly under the 50 yard line. Do yourself a favor and throw a billion units on the Patriots winning the coin toss this week. Ernie fixed the magnet that misfired last week. Bill took away his Hoodsies for screwing it up against the Redskins.
9) John Mara was anti-Patriots and Tom Brady during the entire Deflate Gate debacle. Remember when Steve Buscemi had the kill list in Billy Madison and proceeded to smear lipstick all over his face? That is Brady minus the lipstick part. He just has his kill list taped directly next to his probably magnificent California king sized bed, and crosses each name off after he murders them on the field. Once he crosses them off, he rolls over and does the dirty to Giselle, probably more than once.
10) Giselle said she found Brady watching film at 3:30 AM recently. If that isn’t #FocusFireInTheChillZone than I don’t know what it is?