The NFL Offseason in Context: A Look at Life In the Absence of Football

Apparently it is a big deal that a spaceship floating billions of miles away, took a few snapshots of a planet (which we already knew existed) and sent it back to Earth.  Bruce Jenner now wants to be called Caitlyn, and Russell Wilson refuses to lay the pipe to Ciara, because God told him so.  If this isn’t proof the world needs the NFL to function on the appropriate axis, I don’t know what is.  Let’s start at the top.

By the time we do anything of remote importance on any other planet but the one I am on right now, I will be checked out with my ashes spread out somewhere exotic.  Maybe Revere Beach? I constantly say I’m not living a super long life, so I will straighten that all out sooner rather than later.

I don’t care about Pluto.  I never have and never will.  I’m happy for the dudes at NASA though.  Can you imagine the pants tent they got over the photos?  The NASA guys were probably all huddled up around their laptops with Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew, waiting for the first image to stream through.  I would compare this to how the rest of the world is waiting for the NFL to rule on Brady’s appeal, which will be any day now.

Now for Ms. Jenner and this big revelation of transitioning and the courage that goes along with it.  According to the GM of the Red Sox, courage is playing left field for $20,000,000/year, ESPN is awarding him with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.   Courage seems to have a completely different definition than the one I was taught in say second or third grade.  I have to pump the brakes on going into this anymore or I’ll have the activists after me again.  One thing that is fact here is everything Bruce/Caitlyn and the tribe of misfits he considers family does, stems from the almighty dollar.  If you don’t think this entire transition, Diane Sawyer interview, and new reality show isn’t triggered by the cash cow that was created once Kim’s sex tape was released, you’re a bit delusional.  Speaking of Kim, for someone who has the biggest self-image issues on the planet, along with her fraud husband, her sex tape performance was beyond amateur.

You’re Move Roger

Want to know something that is far from amateur?  It is how our shining star Thomas Edward Patrick Brady has handled this suspension/appeal process.  The guy is just continuing to ooze greatness in every facet of life.  National writers and former players whom he repeatedly torched and then pissed on during their playing careers are casting rocks in glass houses.  What does Tom do when this happens?  He just posts angelic photos of him in the middle of a fairway (where else would he be but the middle of the fairway) with his baby girl Vivian crushing it in his bucket hat.  Bucket hats are without a doubt the summer fashion trend and I’m going out and buying a dozen of them right now.

Speaking of amateur moves, let’s look at what Jason Pierre-Paul did over the fourth of July.  I have ZERO sympathy for him or that other knucklehead from Tampa Bay.  Not only did JPP decide to imitate Fire Marshall Bill and blow his damn hand up, but he had a U-Haul Van full of fireworks.  For starters, why have a full van of fireworks?  Do you really need to be “that guy” who outdoes everyone else on the block?  You’re making millions of dollars a year, the dick measuring has to stop at some point right?  Piggybacking on the fact that you’re making million dollars a year, shouldn’t you have “a guy” who lights them for you.  Ninety-nine percent of these NFL players have entourages who designate a “Turtle” to do bonehead acts like this.  Good luck playing with your hand in the dirt this year.  I hope Bryan Stork bites your nub just because he is an animal like that.

Odds on which Seahawk hits that before Russell Wilson? Bruce Irvin – 5:1 Earl Thomas – 8:1 Doug Baldwin – 3:1 Pete Carroll – 2:5

God told Russell Wilson to “put the other stuff aside” for now. The “other stuff” he is referring to, is him and his girlfriend Ciara banging.  I’m over the Russell Wilson act.  I’ve been over it for a while, but now we are getting to the point I’m worried for his mental health.  Do yourself a favor and go Google some of her lyrics and tell me she isn’t pissed about this.  Hey Russell, did God tell you not to check out of the quick slant at the end of the Super Bowl?  Buddy, you’ve been married before and your wife was NOWHERE near the dime that Ciara is.   Explain to me how this all works and what good this is doing anyone else on Earth?  You remember what happened with Percy Harvin and Doug Baldwin before the Super Bowl right?  My money is on Earl Thomas or Bruce Irvin destroying that behind your back while you’re channeling your inner Tim Tebow in the ice tub.

There will be plenty more to talk about and this whole Brady ordeal will finally come to a head.  I bet Kessler and Brady kicked Goodell around like the big bully on the playground during recess.  Roger’s ass kicking lasted about ten hours though and same goes for that fraud Ted Wells.  I, unlike most, actual read through the entire piece of crap Wells Report and was even more confused than before I started.  Schefter, whom also swings a massive stick for posting medical records of JPP, stated Brady shined with an A+ performance.  Guys like Brady who have wives like Super G, don’t cower into a ball when the pressure is on. What did you expect?  Him to go in there like Geno Smith and completely hand it over to the witch hunters?   Want to see the complete opposite of a witch hunt?  I present week six of the NFL season to you.  The Patriots head to Indianapolis for an all-out bloodbath against the Colts.  I fear for Andrew Luck, I fear for Chuck Pagano, and mostly fear for the drug addict owner and GM.  Start lighting candles now for the Colts in your church, temple, mosque, or community center.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the Patriots hang eighty points on them.  Training camps starts in just over two weeks.

Representing all the way in Bora Bora.
Representing the Stool all the way in Bora Bora.